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You eat too less!!!

by Lenka

Hello everyone,
just months ago I've realized that I've suffered from Eds almsot whoel my life, anywhere from binge eating, bulimia, to drunkorexia or dieting, I've been pulled and pushed back and forth.

Then I've got sick of myself, sick of my stupid 1st bf always saying how I'm too thin. I'm 5'1 and back then (in my 15s) I've had about X kgs! One day I just got sick of meat, it didn't taste good anymore and I've started to realize much more what I eat etc. I've started to lose weight slowly and healthily. Maybe just because I was always told: "You're fat? So don't eat!" And so I've cut my portions comfortably. People started to see it, I've been X kgs, then X. And from the closest ones I've got the worst comment again: "It's a pity to make plates dirty plates for you." So I've started to put much more food on the plate. It was ok, I took my plate to my room then just ate the amount I wanted and got rid of the rest in bags etc. But after some time, I was forced to eat around the family and it'd look strange If I've put down just about half of the usual, so I've made the portion "normal" and ate it all. I felt so so sick that I THREW UP and that's how my bulimia started. There were also much more affairs helping me to fall into b/p cycle even faster. From purging once upon a time it became a huge havoc of 20 purges a day, in just few months of sickness.

From childhood I just remember how everybody told me I'm fat, fat, fat, my bro was skinny so he was allowed to have any sweet crap he wanted while I wasn't given any but thanks to b/p I could've had anything I possibly could dream of. I think it was like a substitute for all the sweets I could never have as a child.

Yet now I'M SICK AND TIRED of being SICK AND TIRED. After 2.5 years of bulimia I've destroyed my teeth a bit, my hair got to fall. I'm X kgs now. Throwing up only once a day as of now, which I see as a good approach. I can't make myself to eat 6 times a day, so I eat 3 times a day (about X bowl, as in porridge I eat just a half of the bowl otherwise I'd burst). After every food I feel puffed up and get terrible pains and tired, so I lie down on the left side. Even if I fall asleep I don't care. I'm very lucky that I've never got to the stage when bulimics can throw up food upto 24 hours. Also my bowel motions are great, 3 times a day after every food.

One of not so glamorous claims are that one day in the summer I've tried LSD and that's a huge mind opener. It helps you to relaize that u worth something, it clicks all your thoughts altogether and make u more reasonable, now I know I worth soemthing at least. That I'm not useless. That Ican beat this devil voice of my mind.

The reason why I do it on my own is that I have a huge anxiety regarding doctors especially shrinks. I've had to go to their office when I was 8 years old... It was my 1st suicuide attempt and the only one my parents found out about. And the other reason is whenever I was sick they were treating me for some disease I didn't have and completely ignored the real reasons of my sickness. I'd rather go for a reiki therapy or homeopathic one.

So my message to all who are trying kick BULIMIA right in it's ass is that you can do it. I can do it. But u really have to start to recognize your little small rituals that lead to the b/p and try to anylize and connect them to your history. Forgive yourself, forgive your surroundings. Be grateful for the experience. Be grateful for the chance of a future.

As for weight gain. I'm not really sure if I was ever really dehydrated through my bulimia because before b/p I always drunk about 5 lites of water (it takes few hours, not in few mins!!!) and after b/p I drank a lot too. I'm naturally a huge drinker, on a normal day I'd drink 3-4 litres, in summer even more. Just see I'm only 5'1 woman with X kgs. Yet WATER CAN'T MAKE U FAT!!! U can as well splurge yourself with tasty caramel rooibos, or chocolate, vanilla chai ;) Anyything you want is possible.

And as for my diet. I was vegetarian for 4 years but now if I'm in mood for meat, I eat it. But still if u learn to listen to your body and it's needs it's the best. I know mine loves veggies and fruits a lot. Any kind of grains, proteins from seitan, tofu, tempeh to mutton or beef and game. And another thing, I have a huuuge thing for fish. And as far as I eat 3 bowls a day I don't painfully overeat (which leads to purging) or don't feel hungry. if I get the empty feeling I just have like a piece of dark chocolate which I love a lot. BTW: gurgling doesn't mean you're hungry.

I've made my diet on my own based on my basal metabolic rate, as I'm a petite person I don't need as much as others but I'm making my meals ingredients as best as I can to fill my stomach as well as possible without being too much.

So I wish all the people with same problems to find what works the best for them.

And I'm looking forward to b/p freedays (I've exeprienced some of them and I must say that those were the best heavely days). KEEP FOCUSED AND WISH YOU ALL THE BEST

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