Your bulimia recovery
Tap here to read more about the bulimia recovery program

My online program and private recovery community has helped hundreds of women beat bulimia.
Click here to learn more

Beat bulimia using my online recovery program and private community. Hundreds of women who were just like you have done the same!

Click here to learn more Member Login

Years of self destructive behavior

by Jazmine V.
(Las Vegas , Nevada )

I am 17 years old and I am bulimic. First time I'm speaking about this with anyone. I want to get help but I don't want my parents to be disappointed and look at me like they have failed as parents.
My bulimia started when I was in 7th grade. I was a chubby kid when I was young and never thought anything bad about it. But one day I looked at all my friends and how they all were skinny and how people paid more attention to them. I don't know why but I needed to feel that feeling of being wanted.
So when 7th grade ended I started working out , running, crunches, you name it. My parents worked afternoons so I had hours to myself to perform these self destructive behaviors. At first I said I don't have a problem, this is just temporary. But here I am 5 years later at my lowest point.
I remember coming into 8th grade skinny, I have totally transformed my image and I weighed X pounds, I lost X pounds.
Everyone was saying how good I looked and I got more attention.
I felt good, I felt desired.
Now into my freshmen year I was still thin and had an alright self esteem about myself.
But I then started drinking and doing drugs , which started talk a toll in my body since I was already purging everyday. My back started to hurt which I have read is from purging .
Next I got into a relationship with a boy and this is where my purging stopped for a good couple months. But it wasn't good at the same time because we were doing drugs so that kept my weight down. It was win I felt my prettiest and skinniest but I still had major doubts about my body.
Our breakup was messy, he got pregnant and that when my self destructive behavior sky rocketed.
I would purge to not gain weight and do so many drugs to get rid of it . That's when I told my parents I was pregnant and needed help because I knew drugged my body up and the baby wouldn't make it or be healthy.

My parents were disappointed and angry with me, I hated myself so terribly bad.
I went to get the abortion and cried, my parents would give me dirty looks and call me slut.
I laid in my room and cried and felt terribly alone.
I never talked to my friends or anyone about how I truly felt.
I 'be always been the one to hold my feelings in and never share them because I always tend to cry and I hated to seem weak. Now I don't even know how to get back in touch with them.

After a couple months my relationship with my parents got better, I could talk to them now without them giving me dirty looks.
But my purging was worst the ever, I started to binge until I felt like I was going to pop ,
Then feeling so disgusted with myself I purged until my nose will start bleeding .

Also I would workout a lot and my parents thought it was normal.
Now here I am in my senior year at my lowest point.
I've been trying to eat healthier but I always end up eatin something late and I start to think "now you messed up" and go purge. Also I would turn to drugs to help me lose weight and say just until I reach mygoal and your done !
Month or 2 later I would buy some more and have a week of self destructive behavior and what I realize is I don't feel any better about myself.
I feel worthless, no self control, zero confidence.
I feel so depressed and I don't even know where to find myself again.
I've lost so many friends because I would isolate myself because I didn't want anyone to associate with me web I go through these episodes.
Now I don't even know how to talk to people because I am so self conscious about everything I do.
I just lay in bed and think if the life I want and I know I have to get up and make it happen but when it comes down to it , I don't know how to start.
I know I need help but I just don't want my parents to feel that disappointed feelin again,
They already don't trust me from the pregnant thing ,
Now this will just show them that I still can't take care I myself.

I've tried many times to help myself. I would read side affects if bulimia to scare me,
Hasn't worked.
I've read motivational health tips to stay healthy and eat right.
I relapse within 2 weeks and destructive behaviour happens all over again.
I can feel my body failing me and all the damage .
I just want to get better but I feel like I am to damage to try and fix this on my own but I am so afraid of telling my parents I need help. I wouldn't even know how to get the words out .
I just feel like a waste of a person and so weak and ashamed I let myself get to this point.

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to bonus-recipe-book.

 

 

Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program