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Years of self destructive behavior

by Jazmine V.
(Las Vegas , Nevada )

I am 17 years old and I am bulimic. First time I'm speaking about this with anyone. I want to get help but I don't want my parents to be disappointed and look at me like they have failed as parents.
My bulimia started when I was in 7th grade. I was a chubby kid when I was young and never thought anything bad about it. But one day I looked at all my friends and how they all were skinny and how people paid more attention to them. I don't know why but I needed to feel that feeling of being wanted.
So when 7th grade ended I started working out , running, crunches, you name it. My parents worked afternoons so I had hours to myself to perform these self destructive behaviors. At first I said I don't have a problem, this is just temporary. But here I am 5 years later at my lowest point.
I remember coming into 8th grade skinny, I have totally transformed my image and I weighed X pounds, I lost X pounds.
Everyone was saying how good I looked and I got more attention.
I felt good, I felt desired.
Now into my freshmen year I was still thin and had an alright self esteem about myself.
But I then started drinking and doing drugs , which started talk a toll in my body since I was already purging everyday. My back started to hurt which I have read is from purging .
Next I got into a relationship with a boy and this is where my purging stopped for a good couple months. But it wasn't good at the same time because we were doing drugs so that kept my weight down. It was win I felt my prettiest and skinniest but I still had major doubts about my body.
Our breakup was messy, he got pregnant and that when my self destructive behavior sky rocketed.
I would purge to not gain weight and do so many drugs to get rid of it . That's when I told my parents I was pregnant and needed help because I knew drugged my body up and the baby wouldn't make it or be healthy.

My parents were disappointed and angry with me, I hated myself so terribly bad.
I went to get the abortion and cried, my parents would give me dirty looks and call me slut.
I laid in my room and cried and felt terribly alone.
I never talked to my friends or anyone about how I truly felt.
I 'be always been the one to hold my feelings in and never share them because I always tend to cry and I hated to seem weak. Now I don't even know how to get back in touch with them.

After a couple months my relationship with my parents got better, I could talk to them now without them giving me dirty looks.
But my purging was worst the ever, I started to binge until I felt like I was going to pop ,
Then feeling so disgusted with myself I purged until my nose will start bleeding .

Also I would workout a lot and my parents thought it was normal.
Now here I am in my senior year at my lowest point.
I've been trying to eat healthier but I always end up eatin something late and I start to think "now you messed up" and go purge. Also I would turn to drugs to help me lose weight and say just until I reach mygoal and your done !
Month or 2 later I would buy some more and have a week of self destructive behavior and what I realize is I don't feel any better about myself.
I feel worthless, no self control, zero confidence.
I feel so depressed and I don't even know where to find myself again.
I've lost so many friends because I would isolate myself because I didn't want anyone to associate with me web I go through these episodes.
Now I don't even know how to talk to people because I am so self conscious about everything I do.
I just lay in bed and think if the life I want and I know I have to get up and make it happen but when it comes down to it , I don't know how to start.
I know I need help but I just don't want my parents to feel that disappointed feelin again,
They already don't trust me from the pregnant thing ,
Now this will just show them that I still can't take care I myself.

I've tried many times to help myself. I would read side affects if bulimia to scare me,
Hasn't worked.
I've read motivational health tips to stay healthy and eat right.
I relapse within 2 weeks and destructive behaviour happens all over again.
I can feel my body failing me and all the damage .
I just want to get better but I feel like I am to damage to try and fix this on my own but I am so afraid of telling my parents I need help. I wouldn't even know how to get the words out .
I just feel like a waste of a person and so weak and ashamed I let myself get to this point.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program