Words I Can't Say
Mom and Dad,
I know you love me even though I guess we don't show it as much as we should. I know I'm your "perfect" child. I get good grades, I have the right friends, I laugh and smile all the time at home, and I'm involved in just about every club there is. I know you are both so proud of everything I do, and I know when times are time with family health or other struggles that you count on the fact that I don't cause you any burden. But I do. I am bulimic. I have been throwing up at least two times a day, every day since December 2nd 2009. I know I'm not overweight, but when I look in the mirror I see UGLY. When I come home from school and eat, I feel guilty and I purge. After dinner I feel guilty and I purge. Whenever I eat I feel guilty and I purge. I take pride in the fact that I have great friends and a great life, it is shameful that my only real "problem" is one I cause myself. It's my own fault and it costs you money because I waste so much food. I avoid going out to dinner with friends if I don't think I'll be able to purge, I don't want to waste anyone elses money if I don't have to. I just want to feel beautiful. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, but I don't feel like I can stop. It sort of scares me that no one has noticed, not you or my sibilings or my friends. Only one friend knows, he supports me as much as he can - but I know he has no clue how to help. I want you two to know, but I don't want you to get mad. I don't want to feel like I am giving you another stuggle to deal with. I'm afriad you'll blame me and just tell me to stop, because I know I can't. Whenever I'm upset or stressed, I B&P. I put all of my emotions into it and I feel so much better afterwords. I know I'm messed up. And it scares me, a lot. But I don't want to put this on you. I wish I could have told you before it got so bad, I wish I could have felt pretty and felt like I could control the pressure before this point. Now I know there is no turning back. I just wanted you to know. And I just wanted to say I'm sorry. So frickin sorry.
Your Seventeen Year Old Daughter .
Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community