Without the desire to be skinny, I would feel lost
It was after being used by the first guy I fell for that I lost a great deal of weight, and put a stop to my second love in life that was food. I wasn't overweight, a size ten to be exact. I was 17 when I decided a better physical me was what I needed to win back this guy and feel happy.
I remember being afraid of the thought of putting on weight, and was calorie obsessed not having more than three grams of fat per day. Then a day came when I was forced to eat by my parents. Like a sling shot that has been pulled back further and further the sling released and I flew back the other way. I got into a habit of binging thinking, o sod it, its one day and i will 'get rid of it' later. I became exercise crazy to maintain my weight.
Slowly over a total of four years, the enthusiasm to exercise has gone. Purging became exausting but the binging persisted. When going through a skinny period I felt like I had peoples attention and that they thought I looked good. But actually, nobody cared what I looked like regardless of my size!
Right now, my situation is this, I crave this dream body... but no longer have a normal relationship with food. Every diet I start I fail at and hating my degree makes me more stressed and obliged to eat. I have become a negative thinker and really let things slip. My grades, finances and reputation at work all because I now plan my life according to binging. I no longer go on dates because I am ashamed of my appearance and feel disgusting for now being a size 12 and not an eight.
Without the want to be skinny I would have nothing, because the thought that I will achieve this 'when I do this diet' is the only thing that gives me hope.
I refuse to accept myself as I am and believe I deserve to be thin, but still I feel food has control over me. I no longer know who to turn to or what to do for help. My family just tell me me if I want to stop then just stop. But it is like a drug, and particularly as I go all out on sugar, the depression in the come downs I get make me moody and upset.
Is anyone else out there going through this?
no longer having enthusiasm and loving life is not the way to be, nut right now is the only way I know to be.
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