Will it ever end?
This is not the first time I have considered joining an online support group. After all, I have been battling bulimia for 6 years now... but this is the first time I have felt that there is absolutely nothing left to lose in doing so. Perhaps this is a good sign?
I for these 6 years, and perhaps before then, have felt utterly alone, shy, embarrassed and because of this absolutely vulnerable to even the slightest look that could, if my mind granted it, be perceived as a judgment/analyzing gesture.
I am a very sensitive person. I try to do right, but so often feel like I am doing wrong. This I am aware is because I over-analyze everything. I had grown up in a very emotionally detached environment and never really learned how to deal with them. I frequently have anxiety attacks and they mainly revolve around food.. It kind of seems that everyone in my family battles problems revolving around body image. My mother was bulimic. This was recent news to me. After sinking into the idea, and one stressful night when I was completely down and out and had been binging/purging all day, I broke down and sent her an e-mail because no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I can overcome it alone, I was obviously gripping onto a loose rope. I am not getting anywhere.
I know my goal, but cant get there, as if I've been running in circles through changing days...
When I told her - my mom - she said she was proud of me for admitting it. After that night, she had never asked about it again.
I know it is so easy for someone to blame their disease on another, and I know fundamentally it is my own, but I feel so hurt by her and her actions towards me, past and present, that I feel her lack of emotional care and nurturing for me is a big factor in this continuation.
She knew over the years without me telling her.
She would sometimes ask me if i was just throwing up. I would deny. and she would carry on her merry way.
Sometimes I imagine someone just grabbing me and shaking me awake and just telling me im worth more. That i can't do this to myself anymore. I feel now I need someone more and stronger than myself.
It has brought me here. People that have experienced and understand what I am going through ....
I want to love myself again.
I want to take back control over my life.
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