Why Should I?
Gawd Shaye.... think you are absolutely brilliant!... and so powerful, such light and confidence beams through you. thank-you for the work you do.
I guess i started throwing up the same time Princess Di did. Alot of girls in school and college were doing it then. I had been a chubby teenager and fat child, after successfully dieting and losing weight i felt fabulous for the first time in my life!. ...I became beautiful,popular and loved overnight. The idea of gaining back weight was terrifying . I started throwing up after I slipped on my diet......Initially it was a joy...to be able to eat to your hearts content and still stay thin.......and even now after 30 years just cannot imagine not having the release of purging.
I did go thru years where i was doing it more than 2-3 times a day ,but now its maybe once a day or once every three days.
I had an extremely traumatic childhood and dealing with those issues has been a courageous journey for which I am proud. But letting go of b/p is something that scares me to death.
I have three beautiful happy children, a wonderful husband, a financially secure life , great friends,and good relations with other family members. My health is good, ......i dont have any extreme conditions other than a few cavities. I have dealt with emotional mood swings ,rage, depression and fear sort of successfully (with therapy, meditation,self help books, affirmations)....I kinda feel happy, calm, blessed/grateful most of the time.
BUT But the desire to b/p doesn't go away. What makes it difficult for me to stop a "harmless" b/p is a sense of boredom. I feel like the numbness, the foggy head ..the trance like state that b/p induces is such a temptation.. And however strong willed i try to be... the temptation always wins. I cant resist it. What do I replace that great feeling of numbness, of just letting go and EATING with?.What logic do I use .....and i dont wanna scare myself .....that never works with me. I know the dangers but fear doesn't work......I need encouragement or hope or something to look forward to ...something to desire. What is the pay off Shaye ....and friends. I know u have given us some beautiful reasons and your videos are phenomenal, but still the silly voice inside my head is not convinced...Would be ever so grateful if u cud give me something that would tell me how much better it cud.... wud be. Otherwise this voice in my head says why should I?
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us :) AND, I can totally, 100% relate to how you feel "What could be better than a b/p" - I used to feel exactly the same way. B/P was my favorite hobby... A past time that in a bizarre way, I loved!
I actually was asked a similar question by one of the members of my online recovery program and members community
the other day... She asked me how my life is different now. How life will be better without bulimia...
I decided to turn my answer to her question into an article for everybody to read and benefit from. You can read it here:Living With Bulimia: Memories From my Decade of Bulimia & How Recovery Healed my Heart
I hope that you find it helpful Julie :)
Recovery is beautiful.. It opens our hearts to a deeper experience of the full spectrum of emotions. Some of them are painful - but there is beauty in that pain. We do not need to numb our way through this life... It is far to magnificent for that!
You are magnificent Julie - celebrate it!