GOD DAMMIT, I'M SO TIRED OF THIS CRAP. WHEN WILL THIS STOP? I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND NORMAL AND JUST HAPPY. Why can't I be happy?
I thought I was in control when I started throwing up. I thought "I'll stop doing it when I'm thin. Once I get there, I'll be pretty and whorthy and happy". But then I got thin. And I was just as unhappy as ever.
I had been puking for months, it became a second-nature to me. Eat, throw up, eat, throw up, eat eat eat eat eat, throw up, starvation, binging, throw up. I was so used to it, I didn't know what else to do, so I kept doing it. I didn't notice until it was too late that I wasn't in control anymore. I probably never was.
Now, I've been in recovery for over a year, and I still struggle, a lot. Really, a lot. I cannot belive this, I want to slap my past-self for being so naive, so stupid. Why did I ever started? Even now, I don't binge anymore, I don't starve myself anymore, but I'm always so worried about what goes into my mouth.If I eat something that wasn't premeditated, I purge. Just one tiny bite of cake, a little bit of a fruit, something, whatever, I don't know. I just purged right now, just because I ate dinner and some bread, bread that I wasn't supposed to eat. So I threw everything up. Gaah, I'm just a girl, why why why. WHY AM I SO PATHETIC? WHY AM I SELF PITYING? THERE ARE BIGGER PROBLEMS. REAL PROBLEMS. NOT THIS. I feel shallow, and selfish and pathetic. My parents are so silly, they trust me too much or maybe they just don't want to see how difficult this whole thing actually is. Please, help.
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