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why i just can't stop

by ashley

i've had an eating disorder as long as i can remember. i used to be really fat. i weighed X when i was 12. i constantly ate everything in sight. i was a fat chick that thought she was cute though, that is until everyone set me straight. i was constantly ridiculed by people. especially my mom. i didn't know it at the time but my mom had an eating disorder. extreme restricting and laxatives. i started losing weight when i was 13 because i was prescribed to adderall. i got down to X in a matter of months. i started giving the adderall to friends and my mom found out so i no longer was prescribed it. i gained weight back quickly. on any given day i was between X and X from ages 13 to 16. i was purging a lot then but it severely escalated when i was 16 and got even worse when i was 18. i ate everything and puked immediately. even if it was just an apple. i was down to X pounds in and out of hospitals with low potassium. every time i would try to eat normally i would gain weight back so quickly that i would freak out and give up. i threw up all through out my pregnancy but not quite so bad. i got up to X and had a healthy baby girl. in less than 5 months im back down to X pounds. i keep trying so hard to just eat normally but i gain X POUNDS in one day even when i have X calories. i cant deal with gaining weight like that. i can't be fat again. i want to be healthy so badly i just don't know how. i still think i'm fat and i'm 22 years old, 5'5" ,and barely X pounds. how can i stop without gaining weight back so quickly? all i think about is food. i'm always hungry. never satisfied. so uncomfortable with anything in my stomach. will i ever get better?

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