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Why does it keep coming back?

by Karen
(UK)

Hi I have never done this before and I am doing it at my work as bulimia is my secret!! I have been bulimic since I was 12 or 13. When I became pregnant with my gorgeous daughter I stopped because I couldnt risk causing her any harm (its ok if its just me!!). After Holly was born i was too busy to be bulimic but it was always there and every so often it would rear its ugly head. I am thankful that I have overcome the worst of bulimia where i was binging and purging daily but I just wish that it wasnt part of my life at all. Its still there all the time - i feel like its a constant battle. It gets especially bad when I am consciously trying to lose a few pounds. After bulimia, having a baby and just getting older I am overweight and would love so much to get back in shape but every time I try bulimia comes back with a vengeance. Sometimes I think my bulimia is just my excuse for giving up and accepting the fat me that I hate. Recently I have tried again to loose those excess pounds with a 'healthy eating regime' (definitely not a diet!!) but its back. I got home from work last night and while trying to prepare dinner I was hungry so put on a slice of wholemeal toast, once I had eaten that then that was me - I didn't stop till I could barely walk to the bathroom to purge - it was only a piece of toast, I know that, I know its ridiculous - so why cant I control myself.
I know I am lucky I have overcome the worst of it and I read the 10 steps book today but don't feel that its relevant to me - I'm not doing this several times a day, I'm not killing myself, maybe I'm not worthy of taking the advice because I should be thankful that I only purge occasionally. To be honest I am not sure why I am writing this, maybe I need to know that I am normal!! Maybe I just need to let my secret out without anyone knowing whose secret it is because the its still my secret!!!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program