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why can't i stop!

by Kate
(Baltimore,MD USA)

I am a 36 yr old female, a recovering alcoholic and still not recovering from my bulimia. I have been binging and purging for 10 yrs now. At first I was doing it to tell my mind that I was eating but would purge to be able to drink more. In my 20's was when my alcoholism took full affect and so did my purging, I would physically harm myself to relieve pain, but where is this inside pain coming from?? I had a good childhood but I could not cope with life on life's terms, I wanted to be numb, that's not normal! I put myself into a treatment center for my drinking and completed that program when I was 30, I have not had a drink since. This is where my binging and purging comes into play, I have massive amounts of anxiety and the only way I know how to cope with that is to eat til im so full and then head off to the bathroom. I get an instant relief from my worries and troubles, but seconds later it all returns. I try and restrict myself but I can't make it past 10am or 11am. I figure if I do not eat I can't throw up. I even binged and purged during my pregnancy. I'm a selfish person for doing that, i still feel bad about that, but i can't stop. i have told numerous people about it, even my boyfriend thinking that If i outed myself I could stop, he had no clue i was doing this and felt very betrayed almost like i was cheating on him with food. i can not do this on my own. I don't have the will power. It has become an everyday thing. The only time I eat a small meal is before bed, then I know i will fall asleep and my poor body will get some nourishment. I drink my coffee in the morning and throw that up because i still feel like I have food in my stomach from the night before then drink soda all day, ive tried grazing on crackers but i will keep going because it's never enough. I have thrown up in porto potties, at work, in the kitchen sink, bags, bushes, department stores, anywhere i can. I HATE when friends want to go out to eat, because my first thought is where can I throw up my food. I CANT ENJOY a good meal because my mind is so consumed on the nearest bathroom. As soon as I wake up i the morning my first thought is food and throwing up, THIS DISEASE HAS CONSUMED ME and my mind. I dont think this is what god wants my life to be, im scared it's going to kill me. I do not want to die from bulimia, i want to live a happy joyess and free life and be able to really enjoy my child and life. HOPELESS AND FULL OF SHAME.... Kate

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