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WHY AM I DOING IT TO MYSELF?

by CP
(UK)

As a teenager, I often indulged in the odd binge, mainly because I had quite a difficult childhood. I found it easier to eat my feelings and then be happy and false in order to be there for my mother when she came home from work. It never made me purge really, I was a gymnast and a dancer so I always felt that I would eventually burn it off. I managed to go 2 years without a binge, I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and had no restriction at all. Saying that, I was often replacing my food binges with alcohol binges over the weekends as this became my new emotional outlet.

Then came uni, in my second year I was hospitalised, given a hell of a lot of steroids to take and after finally getting rid of the weight I'd initially gained during uni, I was absolutly petrified of gaining the weight back. I started restricting my eating whilst at hospital, claiming I didn't like the food as I was desperate to stay the size I was. This then led to no physical activity for 6 months, so the restricting of food became a daily thing. Then when the 6 months was up, I was determined to get into shape, lead a healthy lifestyle, no restrictions and just being the best version of myself.

This was easy....for about a year.... when I got heavily into training as a new outlet of stress and upset. Six months ago, I started my binge eating again, I had recently not met my expectations with my degree, I was sad, low, and needed to feel some comfort. I started baking on a daily basis, eating everything to myself, then purging...something I never thought I would do, but I had worked so hard to get to x% BF and wanted to stay that way... so purging seemed the only option?
It's safe to say when you start to eat clean and regular and then suddenly a load of items are running low such as sugar, flour, peanut butter etc that I had used for baking, my mother began to notice that no fruits were produced from this labour.... sooo the baking had to stop.

So now, my binges consist of anything.... food like chocolate and biscuits (things I've never really chose to eat), bread, peanut butter, honey, jam (big big one), buttercream icing, oatcakes, oats, ricecakes, and my biggest trigger, sultana bran. My b/p episodes were weekly, usually a saturday or a sunday... but have since escalated to around 5 times a week. I often say I'll stop, that I don;t need this, it's ruining my training, my muscle recovery and effecting my strength.

I finally came clean to both my boyfriend of six years and my mother on new years in an attempt to get passed this, but I have since failed myself and them.

I want to be me again, free and happy and not restricting. It's definently difficult to stop the restricting as I compete with kettlebells and running, I just don't know what to do any more and I hope, things will get better from now on as I don't want this to be a part of m life anymore.


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program