Who knew I'd make it this far?
Six weeks. That's how long I've been in recovery. I can hardly believe it - after four years of bulimia, I've made it through the last month and a half with only three bad days, and I'm already feeling like a different person, both inside and out...
Of course, the road has not been binge-free. Quite the contrary-
Two of the six weeks were spent eating everything in sight. Things had been much better this week until today. Right now, I am enduring a massive stomach ache caused from about a dozen brownies and four Fiber One bars.
When I started my recovery, I made one rule: Keep it all down, no matter how horrible the binge. Well, it seems to be working. Looking at this, I realize how much progress I've made. While in my purging mindset, the amount of food that I described in my previous paragraph would be considered nothing. I might add on a ginormous bag of doritos, a box of donuts, and/or an entire pizza. Maybe I'd make a double batch of cookies. This would send me to the toilet several times- then I'd start planning my next binge.
Today's binge seems like nothing! Yes, I'll have trouble sleeping tonight. My body still isn't used to absorbing caffeine, and I had a lot of chocolate today... I'm also betting that I'll have heartburn and that my stomach will be screaming at me for several days (this is probably tmi, but I only just recovered from last week's binge).
What can I say. Forcing myself NOT to purge has resulted in less money spent, because I have to stop eating when I'm full and not repeat the process 10 times a day. I've promised myself that, if I can make it 100 steps without purging (I'm at 31 right now), I'll splurge on a visit to the spa... I figure that $100 on a massage is less than the amount I'd spend on binge-food in one week's time, so it'll be worth it.
I also have to remind myself how much healthier I am. Among other things, bulimia caused an electrolyte imbalance (low potassium, sodium, and chloride, all of which could have resulted in death at any time) and amenhorrhea (which I think is over now, as of yesterday! Maybe that's why I craved so much chocolate today). I also didn't realize how socially withdrawn I'd become until I started therapy several weeks ago- my therapist asked me what I do in my free time, and all I could think of was study and binge.
Haha... my roommate (I live in a school dorm) just walked in and handed me a box of Fiber One bars and said "You like these, don't you?" Oh, the irony... they'd all be gone right now, two minutes later, if I were going to purge, but I'm not! I better get rid of these soon, though...
Well, that's all for now. I apologize for how scattered everything is in this post- I just needed to put things into perspective. Shaye, you're amazing! If anyone else is reading this, I wish you good luck!
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