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where i am now, worse than i've ever been.

by Amy

I can't really remember the first time i made myself throw up; I do remember how I felt after it through, I felt worthless and alone.
I've always had trouble with my weight, as obesity and stuff runs in my family so it's quite easy for my to put on weight and I love junk food.

I've always been bullied about my weight, at one point these girls would follow me when i walk home from school; they'd call me names (fat, ungly, etc) and kick and punch me. I was only about 11 I didn't really thing weight or looks mattered, I didn't care but when these girls started bullying me it hurt. I would cry everyday.

Eventually those girls moved schools; I was so relieved when they did, I could finally walk home in peace.

Anyways years went by... when I was 14 thats when everything started. I had this girl in my friend group, she liked to start fights and cause drama within the group. I said terrible things to her, cruel things that I regret so much. she said terrible things to me aswell, she was quite chubby like me. Oneday we were txting each other and I got angry and just typed in a bunch of random letters into my phone and sent it, I forget what word it ended up making but it sounded like chubby or something meaning that. I wasn't intentionally calling her fat i would never call someone fat as I was fat myself. Anyways, she got pissed at me (as anyone would) and said something that I will never forget; this was the thing that triggered my eating disorder, the thing I think of every time I'm purging. she said "Are you calling me fat? honestly you're way bigger" that hurt me it doesn't seem that cruel but I remember how I felt reading that txt, I slid to the ground, curled into a ball and cried.

Anyways, I decided I didn't want to turn out like other members of my family, I wanted to have a good body, a HEALTHY body so I started exercising regulary and eating less junk and more healthy, eventually I got to a point where I would only eat junk food on weekends. I went from Xkg to about Xkg thats when thing went downhill. I started eating less and less, sometimes i'd just limit myself to only dinner. I lost about Xkg and I was pretty happy with myself so I started eating again (healthy of course).

A few months later something happened with my friend group, no one was really talking to each other. My friends started excluding me, well thats what it felt like. I started cutting myself and not eating. One day I was starving, all I thought was 'i can't starve myself anymore' so i ate then I made my self throw up. that was the first and last time in about 3 months. I got better, my friends still weren't really talking to me but i was okay.

then a couple of months ago i started putting on weight again and I was freaking out. that's when i got bulimia. it started of once every two week then once a week and now it about twice a day.
I need help, I told 2 of my friends that I trust. I have started cutting myself again.

People are starting to notice how much weight I've lost. the other day my english teacher is just like "wow, you've lost soo much weight. you look good. I hope your doing it healthy. you're not starving yourself or doing the upchuck trick?" it was so awkward i didn't know what to say. my friends were trying not to laugh and my face turned bright red. I simply replied "thanks, and yeah I'm doing it healthy" I couldn't look her in the eye. I felt like crying.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

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