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Where did I go for those years?

by Christine
(Maryland )

Growing up I have always had the best support system in my mom. My parents divorced when I was young and my dad was arrested and in prison for 5 years. During that time my life wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I was in high school, had great friends, played sports, and attempted the whole "dating" thing. I had never had a problem with my self esteem or body image. When I graduated and went off to college I played a sport, started to date, and had fun. Then my life began to change. I can remember trying to lose some of the weight that I had gained my freshman year. Once I started working out I slowly and in a healthy way began losing the weight. Then I became addicted to it. I counted calories, worked out constantly, never ate sweets, never let anyone make me food, and going out to eat was always a struggle trying to research the healthiest meal to get prior to going. It progressively got worse and worse. I can remember eating a good bit one evening and having a really full feeling in my stomach. I wanted to look fit and skinny to everyone that saw me and I was afraid I looked different. This was the day I became bulimic. Everyday after that I would eat fruits and vegetables and still purge. I began losing weight so fast and I loved it. I looked so skinny, but to everyone else I looked unhealthy. This continued for a year until I couldn't take it anymore. I was taking laxatives everyday, binge eating, crying, hiding from the world, stopped going to work, and never wanted to look at myself in the mirror. I tried so hard to recover by myself. I read articles online everyday, order recovery books, and attempted to set goals. What I didn't know is that I couldn't do this alone. I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom. We scheduled a therapist that specializes in eating disorders and I went to see her twice a week. For anyone who is recovering, relapses WILL happen and it will get worse before it gets better. I promise you that. The summer of my recovery was the worst summer of my life. After fighting through this battle, doing assignments and homework with my therapist and putting every ounce of strength I had in my body to beating this I did it. The thoughts might come and go because they still do for me. I now see my therapist once every 8 weeks and I absolutely love going. It is such an amazing feeling knowing you are happy. Once you understand your triggers and how to cope you will be on the right track. I can look at myself now and tell myself "you are beautiful" and not be lying to myself. I can eat what I want and be ok with myself. I am now with the love of my life who tells me I am beautiful everyday and I believe him. I am so loved. I embrace everyday for what it's worth and thanking God, my family, and those who love me for helping me through this. Even though I thank God for being there, I tell myself how proud of myself I am. I did this and I'm back to the Christine that I love. If you are struggling with an eating disorder my best advice to you is to tell someone. DO NOT be embarrassed. I know it is scary, but it will pass. If you tell someone that loves you, they will do anything to help you. Set your mind to something and try your hardest. DO NOT expect immediate results because it does take time.
YOU CAN DO THIS! I promise to anyone who is struggling.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program