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Wasting me, dear universe

by Hennessy

I don't remember the first time I purged, it's all a blur of struggle starting around when I was 15 or 14, I'm 18 now... I have also been dealing with depression for even longer. But two years ago something snapped, my depression became very deep and serious. My life since then has been...slow and painful. And now past and wasted. I gained a lot of weight very very quickly, lost 3/4 my hair, experience frequent panic attacks, often felt suicidal, i feel disconnected from the people around me, I can't focus on anything, i can't look in the mirror, and i binge consistently. The purging has always been there, but at times i nearly stopped, hence gaining weight fast. recently I have had a harder time though, I'm back to every meal, if i can even call them meals...they don't seem to end. A bit ago I binged so terribly, but i didn't want to purge, so i couldn't help cutting myself. then I still purged a bit later. I've gained more weight recently, and i hate it. i want so much to walk out of the bathroom cured, on my way to healthy, and scrub out my tooth brush for the last time...but that's what I've been trying for since the fist time. Tonight i didn't have the gut (no pun intended) to finish my purge. i just wanted to scream somewhere that I don't want to be bulimic! I want my control back! I want some change in my life before i lose yet another minute. i'm so jealous of the me I've been and could be. My throat is raw, and i'm bloated still. God help me.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
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The Bulimia Recovery Program