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Wanting to break free from bulimia

by Ashleigh Kruger

I am nearly 22 and I have been battling with bulimia for the last 4 months. I never used to be the kind of girl that obsessed with dieting and I absolutely hated exercise. Although I was never overweight, my jeans were a bit tight to buckle up and after I had put on 6 kilos from living on chocolate during university exams, I decided to go on a health kick. I joined my mum and went to a personal trainer, and ate really healthy meals.
At first I felt fantastic. I was super healthy, and I lost the 6 kilos I wanted to lose. But then I began to crave chocolate, and one day I caved. I scoffed a whole block of choclate and a whole packet of biscuits, then vomited in the carpark outside the supermarket.

The binge/purge thing was at first just once a week. I thought it was great that I could eat the “forbidden” foods I love once a week and every week I was still managing to lose between half a kilo to a kilo. But the cycle of bingeing and purging has picked up, and now it consumes me. Once or twice a week now I eat junk food and vomit that up, but now every day, even the days I am eating healthy, I continue to purge after eating. I have been taking laxatives too, and I am so worried about the damage these and the vomiting are doing to my body. I have lost X kilos now which is a lot for my height (I am 5ft 10), my doctor has advised me that I need to gain about 6 kilos to be within a healthy weight range and wants me to do this. But I am terrified of gaining weight!! How on earth can I possibly do that without going back to bingeing on junk foods and purging everything I eat?? I do not want to stuff my face with food (junk or healthy) and be the size of a house!!

I do want to get better, I am sick of feeling stressed out when I go grocery shopping or weighing grams of food when I make meals. And I don’t go to parties or out to dinner with my friends anymore because I am scared of gaining weight. I want to finish my law degree, but I am falling behind in my studies because I have been spending too much time shoving food down my throat and with my head stuck inside the toilet or a plastic sandwich bag when I vomit. Surely there must be more to life than this??


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