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Vomitfilled jars in my closet.

by Emilia
(Sweden)

Hi, i'm Emilia, i'm 13, i live in Sweden.
And though i'm young i've been through vomits in toilets, sinks, even jars and lots of other things.

So it begins at age of 12.
I'm a normal 1,55 cm girl at X kgs, at this story's current time.
I thought i was X kgs heavier than normal, everyone was lying about their weight, and so did i.

But, i'm just a 12-year old? I wanted to lose weight but couldn't resist candies, cakes, chips, cookies, and other temptations?

I honestly don't remember my first time puking,
just that it was at my dad's house, and how it felt.
The nauseas comming to me.
They hit me 3 times. A thread of saliva slowly ran along the lip before something thick and kinda sour started stream out.
I could loose up to X kg in a total throw up.
to hide the smell,
i was spraying with hairspray all over the bathroom.
NOT very clever. After meals i "took a shower",
aka putting the shower on, but actually puking. This kept going every day for a week.
But when i did it in my moms apartment, they heard.
Mom told me she was worried, i kept telling her i didn't puke at all. She said dad said he was worried too, he had been smelling a stale smell in his bathroom recently. I told my self "ok. i have to stop"
But could i?

NO. I was afraid they would hear me from the echoing bathroom so, i took empty jars i found in my room and i puked in them, often i did hide under covers doing it so it would sound even less.
Then i'd hide them at a ledge on top of my closet.
Every time dad stepped into my room i was terrified, cause the risk he would find the vomitjars were always there.
And i knew i had to get rid of them. When dad leaved the house i sneaked down stairs washing them.
They were probably 6 big jars as most but once i washed them i'd go fill them up in less than a week again.
Dad didn't notice them in probably 5 months or so, but one night i was at a friens house, and he'd come knocking the door wanting to talk to me.
I told him they were old and it's not an addiction because i had stopped doing that a long time ago. Though i didn't.
As fast as he would leave the house i would go quietly throw up in the sink then wash it down.
When we moved to a bigger house with my mom i had my own big room upstairs, and i had this big jar i threw up in, but after i'd go flush it down the toilet.
Some times i'd flush 2 times, pretending to blow my nose for having an excuse. sometimes i'd hide the oils and food pieces by putting some extra toiletpaper into the toilet seat after flushing.

Sometimes at my dads house i could vomit in a pringles can cause i just got that desperate. When dad was asleep one time, i'd sneak down the kitchen, take an empty milk carton, cut it half and just puke in it.

I put it on top of the kitchen sink and i left it there because i forgot it there. I'd sneak to my best friend, in the middle of the night, quiet as hell and stay there until early morning before dad was awake. He told me "what is this? It smells like puke in the whole house and how did it get here?"
I had no excuse. I said it wasn't puke. Of course he wouldn't believe it but he pretended he did.

I've been trying to stop but it's a hard addiction.

I'm still working on getting rid of it. Trying to be proud of my body, it's getting better but it's not over. Thanks for reading, don't doubt leaving a comment if you don't mind. xoxo:)


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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