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It all started when i was at a friends house with one other girl. she asked me to take a walk with her and on that walk inbetween two houses she stuck her finger down her throat, bent over, and threw up. i still remember the feeling had i seeing one of my friends do that. one month later, i made myself throw up for the first time. due to physical abuse in my house, i went to live with my aunt. it was the summer, i knew nobody in her city so i sat around the house all day. im not sure what led to it, but i wanted to just try throwing up the gallon of ice cream my aunt kept in the fridge. i think it was a combination of the stress of my home life, my aunt being overweight and using food as comfort and the thought that if i lost weight, it would be a message to everyone that i wasnt okay. i was extremely depressed and continued to secretively throw up the dinners my aunt made. By the time i went to live back home, i had lost around X lbs, my mom, trying to be nice in her fucked up way, told me that i looked so much prettier now that ive lost weight. so i continued throwing up. At home, my mom knew all the signs of when i would throw up. sometimes she would bang on the door and other times she would simply ignore it. I noticed that my weight wasnt dropping, so a few months later, as i went into my junior year of high school, i began restricting. I would starve myself for X days then would allow myself a binge/purge day. my weight stayed the same. i lost all my friends and stayed home constantly. my depression began to grow worse and worse, along with my chronic depression. i would go X days without sleeping. and on my 2nd day of not sleeping,i was standing infront of my house waiting for a car speed by. suicidal thoughts were not unfamiliar in my mind. i planned on running infront of the car . luckily i stopped myself and realized what i was doing. i called a friend and to my dismay she called the police. i was sent to the psych ward for 5 days. its been a year since i went to the hospital and my depression comes in little tiny drops compared to the never ending storm which perused 2 years ago.In the psych ward, i didnt eat much. When i got home from the hospital, this is when everyone told me to model. so i sent in pictures to an agency and i was signed. this was a few months ago.last week at a photo shoot, the photographer asked me, "is that dress to small or have you just gained weight?" ive also been told to "suck it in" numerous times. These things hurt me more than anything else, almost as much as my parents abuse. Along with insomnia, my anorexic and bulimic tendencies have never left me. i would say i still binge X times a week. i restrict heavily during the day & come home and b/p. the most fucked up thing is that ive only lost X lbs since the day i came back from my aunts with a new "trick" called bulimia, 3 years ago. i feel like i have NOTHING to show for the years of having a horrible eating disorder. ive told 2 people about throwing up and they both are not in my life anymore. nobody knows. i dont think anyone would think. bulimia has made me throw up in paper bags. one time the paper bag broke and all of the throw up went onto the carpet in my room. throw up was everywhere. especailly since i was carrying the bag high up from the ground. bulimia has made me take laxatives. (luckily ive gotten out of the habit of taking laxatives. Bulimia has allowed nothing positive in my life. I always tell myself, "This is the last day your allowed to throw up, from tomorrow on, no more." But its never happened. i threw up tonight, i ate X bags of chips and coffee during the day then came home ate leftovers chips and X amount of apples and binged. I weight myself every morning. if im more that Xlbs tomorrow, my day will be ruined. i dont have many friends because i can be such a bitch. Once i see the scale, it determines how my day will be. My eating disorder has yet to seriously rule my life, but i dont want to get better. i want to continue losing weight, but im exhausted. Even though im reaping the acute physical consequences of bulimia and anorexia right now, i still want to continue. My body is how i make money, the more weight i lose, the more successful i become. that how the industry is. im not sure what im going to do with my life right now. i just know that i want to continue losing more weight even though its been mentally and physically exhausting. If you read this huge ass thing thank you so much.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program