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by Kaia

One of the biggest things w/ my bulimia is that I could never, never let anyone know! I can't believe when people can tell their boyfriend or husband or family. I (think) hide it so well and probably do all the same things everyone else does. I plan binges, if I know I can't purge, I have remarkable control of what I'll eat. If I know I've got time alone after a meal ( I plan it that way!), I eat til my hearts content.
I am 40y now and introduced myself to purging at 18y after feeling so disgusted being full on fettucine alfredo- my favorite food. I was on a high seeing all those calories wash away, while still having the satisfaction of consuming them. Jeez..over 20yrs later, I now purge w/ no help of anything down my throat. I can go days w/out b/p, but find myself generally purging a couple of times a day. Breakfast, almost out of habit, and after dinner b/c that's the biggest meal. I feel disgusted, crazy, bizarre and don't know truly why I do this to myself. My teeth are sensitive and a mess. I often hear how skinny I am, yet find my hips way to fat, my thighs flabby, etc, etc. And it's not even 'forbidden foods' anymore that I feel the urge to purge- it can be anything (especially if I feel full). I obsess, like most bulimics, on food and then on staying thin. It's a vicious, consuming cycle that sounds so weak I can't tell anyone. I know the generally foods that 'come up' easy. I crave certain foods for days until I know I'll have time to purge it. I cringe at the thought of my children saying one day they knew what I was doing.
I've been to basic counseling w/ little progress. Prozac helps, but is expensive ( oh, that's another thing- debt from a million grocery or restaurant outings) and interacts w/ diet pills. I find it all insane- wanting to be thin, the b/p cycle, hiding such a consuming illness. The fear, the utter panic, that accompanies actually keeping down something 'forbidden'- ex. A slice of pizza. I'm sick of it for sure, but feel hopeless that one, I could get help and two, do it privately.
Reading others stories helps b/c you realize the similar to-the-core feelings happen to people besides you. The crazy fears and obsessions that noone else would understand. And the anger that goes with seeing or hearing 'just stop doing it'. Right.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program