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Ughhh bulimia is like that movie Ground Hog day with Tom Hanks!!

by Katie
(Sarasota, Florida)

I am so angry that I have let myself get this out of control. That is exactly was it is...out of control. I used to love being around people all the time. I use to love going to the beach, going shopping, doing arts and crafts. I feel like all my hobbies have been put on hold. I have gone to counselors time and time again. I now pay for a monthly massage because everyone says online that it will help cure this illness. NO! I have never really stuck to something long enough for it to cure me. It all started with this stupid diet. I moved away from the town i was born and raised in because i needed a fresh start. Me and my current back and forth boyfriend were having so many issues and I thought that getting away and starting a new life somewhere else would help me. I had this crazy thought in my mind that i would leave home and then come back and visit looking totally different..losing weight, new clothes, and even a new hair cut. Well it back fired..I started off eating such little amounts. I lost about 15 lbs and felt great for a little while but then as soon as i started eating again the weight would start coming back on. I had no idea what was going on..i was starving almost all the time and had not had a freaking cheeseburger..let alone ketchup in over 6 months. soooo I started eating things that were not healthy at all..Mcflurries from Mcdonalds, breakfast sandwiches from burger king..pretty much anything and everything that was unhealthy or not on my so-called diet i would throw up. Im not sure when it got so uncontrollably bad but i pretty much throw up everything i eat, Especially when i am alone. I can act normal in front of other people but for the most part i throw up everything i eat. I stopped going to lunch and dinner with people because im scared to eat food that i cant get rid of. I pretty much have isolated myself away from everyone because nothing in my life seems to matter anymore but this damn piece of shit eating disorder UGHH! I can do so good for a few weeks and then i fail once again...and when i fail, i end up being worse then i was before. I feel like i am in a constant argument with myself; yes i am gonna do no im not gonna do it..and almost every single time my eating disorder freaking wins. I really just have no idea what the hell to do...i just wish someone would help me figure out what i can do and where i can go from here because i miss my old fun life :(

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