Trying To Recover Desperately, I Am So Tired!
(Red Deer Canada)
I don't know why it started. I doubt there was a reason. I was 14 when I started skipping meals here and there. It was no big deal. When I was 15 I had my first boyfriend and I gained about 10lbs. I broke up with him after 2 months and decided to start dieting. It was so easy at the time. The first day I didn't eat all day. I thought I was such a success and such a pro, I continued to starve myself having little bits of food here and there.
I only wish I could go back now, take that beautiful girl by the hand and move on, walk past ED and save her. But I can't. So I developed Anorexia.
It was horrible. My parents were suffering more then I was watching this beautiful girl torturing herself until she was skinny and tiny, lost in ED's dark cold world. She forgot how to smile. She wore two pairs of pants to try and stay warm, her lips were always purple.
Fast forward a few years, anorexia turned into bulimia. My parents thought I had recovered. But now I was living with another horrible secret.
I rebelled as a teenager, drinking alot, smoking and doing drugs. When I was 19 I moved out from home, i lived all alone in a big house I worked 12 hours a day, really hard physical work.
I was scared to death at night, and that's when my bulimia took a turn for the worse.
Fast forward another year and a half, I was a new bride, I was pregnant after 2 months of marriage, and that is supposed to be the happiest time of a young bride's life. I thought I could beat bulimia because I had this wonderful life growing inside of me, but I couldn't do it. It just got worse again. I finally decided to tell my doctor, (One of the most embarrassing moments of my life) I was surprised when he didn't seem to be judging me in the least, he got me setup with someone, and that's when I started therapy for the first time. I quit after a few months, I thought having a new baby would make everything better, and it did for about a week, then I was right back to where I had been before.
Before he was born I was terrified of what I might have done to him, but he was born a healthy beautiful baby boy. We were so lucky.
Now he is almost 2 years old, and I am still suffering. I have since started drinking alcohol at night after everyone goes to bed, to try and numb the pain, I'll be up until 2-3am sometimes binging/purgeing and drinking, then wake up in the morning with a sore throat, tired as I could ever be, and the guilt oh my gosh the guilt!
I started recovery about 6 months ago again, its going ok, but I still have these episodes everyday. I don't drink nearly as much anymore, so I know I'm making some progress.
Recently my mom asked me about my eating disorder and I had to tell her the truth. That was a big wake up call. I was mortified!
I did some research and found that people have used prescriptions to help with recovery. I asked my therapist about this and she thinks I should try it, to help deal with the stress and depression.
I have a wonderful family, and I want to live a long healthy happy life. They deserve better. They deserve to have a happy wife and mommy. I deserve to enjoy life with them. I will do anything to get better.
I know my story is very dark and negative but I am making positive changes. I haven't got my prescription yet, but my appointment is in 3 weeks. I am very nervous because all of you seem to recover the natural way. I am just so tired, I want to be normal again!
I want to thank everyone for sharing your stories, they are very inspiring, and I know this will help me in my recovery. Suddenly.... I don't feel so alone:) Thank you!