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told family but still finding it too hard, alcohol and drugs my escape!

im 22 years old and i have really only noticed the seriousness i have with bulimia since i got drunk one night and blurted it out to my mum and dad last week that i have an eating disorder.. they had suspected it for a while as i had become secretive, moody, and would spend most of my time in my room alone ( with bulimia!).. i had recently left my job and had two miscarriages which made every thing worse!! as u can probably guess how that made me feel..
when i think about my life before it makes me angry, and ashamed as i was the life and sole of the party, the popular girl who had too many friends i couldn't keep up with, the girl who people would come to when felt down and needed bringing up again, (iv noticed im very good at helping others resolve any problems and recognized the problems that need fixing, but not my own!) always out partying, being with friends, and making everyone else have a good time!..
When i really think about it, it started off as a diet when i was 15 as i was a little chubby (size X) an an ex used to tell me when we argued how fat and disgusting i was.. when that relationship ended i promised my self i would never let my self be humiliated and feel so horrible about my self again so started the gym and eating healthier, people started to recognise my weight loss and compliment me and it felt really really really really good.. I was being admired by friends, family and most of all men, and i loved that feeling as i had been made to feel disgusting and worthless by a man before..
Then the diet wasn't good enough, the results weren't quick enough for me , so i started not eating for a few days, going out with friends taking drugs, drinking too much and forgetting about food, this could last for 4-5 days at a time and after wards i would feel mentally fucked up but when i looked in the mirror knowing i hadn't eaten properly in several days made me feel good as i felt slim and sexy...

This became a habit of mine, others saw me as being the wild crazy girl who was always up for a good time.. but in the last year i have slowly watched all that disappear from me as the bulimia got worse and took a hold of me bad..

The paranoia of people knowing my dark secret made me revert in my self and only socialize when birthdays or big occasions happened.. but people around me, my friends and family believed i was just being an ignorant bitch and fucking every one off for no reason..

Insted of me owning up to the reason of my problem i stayed away, i avoided any situation or anyone who i felt was against me.. then i felt isolated and alone so the alcohol and drugs got worse too.. then i left my job as couldn't bare to be around people who i thought knew my secret and would critisize me and look down on me, things obviously got worse..

I'v tried to open up and reach out for help to a couple of closest friends who i lost due to me isolating my self, and ask for help they just thought I was being selfish and a complete messer who didn't care about my friends so why should they be there for me and care? So again! things got worse I reverted within my self more as couldn't see a way out as my friends and family hated me my only escape was drugs and alcohol.. and to be honest it still is today, even tho I've opened up to my family I'm finding it very hard to get the proper medical treatment i know i need.. I don't know i just feel really lost, as people say when u open up an except u need help every thing stars to get better... For me i just feel worse and more ashamed so covering that up with wild nights and days with drugs and alcohol... I really don't know what to do right now!!!.....

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program