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Today I learned...

by Sam

I have had an eating disorder since I was 14.

I have always viewed my body very negatively. I think It started back when I was 10 and some boy called me fat, and I was considered quite underweight, I just could never view it.

It started off with me cutting down on how much I ate,monitoring what I ate, exercising, then it turned it bulimia, then progressed later on to Anorexia, and after my periods stopped and a drop in the stress of my life, I gained some weight back, and then became bulimic again, this happened and then I was like this for another 6 months, till I met my boyfriend and he tried to "save" me. And I started to go away a bit, I didn't do it as much, in fact it would be months between binges. I moved in with him after just over a year, and things honestly improved, not sure if it was due to being out of the toxicity of my family situation or the sheer lack of money we had, probably a mixture of the two. During the times when I lived with him I had a handful of very small relapses, mostly brought on by severe overeating and feeling a need to "release" some food. We had two children together.

Then after 8 and half years together my relationship ended, I lost lots of weight from stress, and after 2 months, I fell back into bulimia, which stayed around for a couple months, then I just barely ate, then went to barely eating any food. Then slowly started eating, and naturally recovering, ended up in another relationship.

I find when I am happy I barely think about purging, I binge every so often, and rarely purge.

Then my relationship started becoming unhappy, and I started to think I looked fat, and I tried to correct the relationship and felt that I had no control, and then I started again, binging and purging. I tried to end it, I focused on eating healthy. I became a vegetarian, thinking changing the type of control may help. And then I get the occasional relapses, go two weeks no purging, then purge a few times a day. :(

Today I learned that I could be damaging myself even worse. I work with cancer fundraising, I understand how many people are diagnosed. And only today did I find out that I have increased my chance of oesophageal cancer, a very deadly cancer. I have been in a panicked stage for the past hour.

I am a mother, the main carer of my two little angels, I would never have gone down this path, I would have ought help earlier, if I had known just how much damage I could be doing to my body.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program