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to my listeners

by tracy gillette
(wethersfeild ct united states)

“What’s wrong?” I hear from behind
Mommy’s asking me
My face turns ghostly white
“Nothing, just leave me be”

I walk down the hallway
Close the bathroom door
Lock it hard behind me
And sink down to the floor

I turn on the water
Make it run along
Stick my fingers down my throat
I tried to hold strong

I grip onto the seat
As my eyes begin tear
Look who I’ve become
Someone that I fear

I feel like such a failure
Tears stream down my face
I’m disappearing slowly
I’ll be gone without a trace

I wish for help all the time
But what am I to do?
I’m the one who made this choice
And it’s this I’ve put myself through

I flush my sorrows down
And turn back off the sink
I find my bottle of mouthwash
And give it a little drink

I swish it all around
As I think of what I’ve done
I look into the mirror
What have I become?

Mom knocks on the door
My heart begins to race
I turn back on the water
And start to wash my face

“Mom I’ll be out soon,
I just need to get my make up off”
I think she said ok
But she said it so soft

I think she knows my secret
My biggest of regrets
Maybe if I just tell her
She’ll let me off, I bet

I open up the door
To see her standing there
She doesn’t say a word to me
Just runs her fingers through my hair

“Baby I know what you’re doing
I used to do it too,
I wanted it to be different
I didn’t want this to happen with you

I tried to tell myself
That this wasn’t really true
I didn’t think that with all I’ve done
It could ever happen to you”

“What are you talking about mom?”
I try to act so blind
I can not let on to her
My arms are in a bind

“I am really tired
I need to go to sleep”
I want to hide my secret
Bury it real deep

I go into my room
Turn off my light
Try to close my eyes
And then sleep on through the night

Morning comes again
And I finally awake
I put on another smile
One that I must fake

I’ll do it all day long
Until I lock the bathroom door
And then again I will sink
Back onto the floor

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program