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tired of bulimia

by taylia
(south africa)

Hey shaye, just like you I immigrated. When I was 5 our family moved from South Africa to England for 13 years.. My bulimia started when I was 13, I am now 20. We moved back to SA 3 years ago but I fear I will not be able to overcome bulimia. There are days when I'm ok, when I stick to my "diet" , under X calories or so. But when I'm really stressed my bulimia is triggered and I just binge and binge until I feel as if my body will explode then I just purge and purge until I shake and see blood, and in those moments I want to die. I am a very happy person, I've just been through a lot of pain in my life, especially in England. Controlling my eating is a way of controlling my life.. I want to enjoy food and not keep a track of the calories I've consumed. I want to look in the mirror and love what I see. There's no grey area, its either black or white, I eat very little or when I pig out, I seriously pig out.. And feel guilty and purge. Cake, rusks, chocolate and pastries are my weakness, I need help but I don't know if I can get over this. I feel as if I'm a freak of nature sometimes, I want to go to a coffee shop or a birthday and enjoy one piece of cake. Not eat it.. Then let it start a binge/purge episode. My bulimia was so out of control last year my knees gave out and I couldn't run anymore (I NEED to run) , I could barely walk. My period stopped for a year, and I have been sick 13 times in the past year, I get really bad acid reflux and insomnia. I know it is slowly killing me but I don't care. I know moving countries at a young age affected me In ways I'm only now beginning to understand. Do you have any advice for me? Love Taylia

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program