Tired of all this self hatred.
by Katherine Angelica
(New York City, US)
First of all, I would like to thank you for making this site that so many people can relate to. I really appreciate it & I know everyone else does as well.
Alright so basically, I can remember wanting to be skinny as far back as 1st grade I would say. I've always hated my body. Purging came into the picture in about 6th or 7th grade. The massive bingeing started in about the 8th grade. The binging & purging was irregular. There would be month that would pass that I wouldn't do it, then one day I would come home from school, eat EVERYTHING I could, then binge. This would continue for about 1-2 weeks, then I would stop. Last year, my junior year in High School I got tired of hating myself so I went on a diet. I read everything I could possible about nutrition & tried doing it all the healthy way. I lost X pounds. The summer began & I was home alone by myself a lot. My hatred for myself became stronger & stronger & it spiraled downward. I began binging & purging at least once a day. I would throw up so much food, I couldn't believe I held that much in me. The thought of food scared me. I would only consume about X calories a day & then after a couple of days of that I would just binge & binge & binge to then purge non stop. The cycle was vicious. School has started & in a senior. I'm tired of all the self hatred I have. I'm so so so scared of food. I wanna lose about X more pounds & that's it. I'm just so scared, I don't wanna do it the unhealthy way. But I just hate myself so much, that I NEED to lose the weight. I feel like I'll never fix these thoughts. I know so much about food that I'll never allow myself to put something that isn't good for me in my body without purging. I feel lost, and I just wanna be able to love my body. I feel like unless I'm smaller, I never will. I feel so disgusting when I eat something I know I shouldn't. I can't really explain it more because I don't know how to explain these crazy thoughts. It's like E.D is constantly yelling at me, telling me it's okay to eat everything, as long as it comes out of me one way or another, I won't gain the weight. Or on days where it's more anorexia, he tells me that I can't eat at all because I'll gain so much weight & be fat & it isn't acceptable. My mentality is screwed. It's 11:35 p.m & I'm hungry. I want to go upstairs & eat everything so bad, but I don't wanna purge anymore so my E.D is telling me that it's too late to eat. If I eat at this time I'll just gain weight & get fat. I have obsessive compulsive behaviors, as well as anxiety, which makes me think that it'll make recovery even more impossible. I can't seek help because I've been denying my disorder to my mother for so long. I just .. I need to do this by myself, I don't know where to start.
It is never too late to seek help precious girl... And even if you have denied problems to your mom for a long time, there is always now when you can choose to be honest with her. Mothers intuitively know when all i snot right with their children - and chances are, she'll be so glad you have finally decided to open up.
I have created a video on youtube which helps people ask for help - it might be worth looking at. You could send it to your mom? Here's the link:Asking For Help With Bulimia
Remember Katherine - you deserve all the help it takes to get well again! Life is magnificent without all the self loathing and bulimia... And the difficulty of reaching out is worth it a million times over.
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