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Time to admit it. I am bulimic.

It all started few months ago. I am 172 cm tall. I lost over 15 kilos by diet and exercise. I was X and after 5 months of hard work and discipline I had around X kilos. But it wasn't enough, I was not really proud. And my story started...

To be honest with you I don't know how it all started. First it was once a week, on that one day when I was able to eat piece of cake because my diet allowed me too. But then... All of the sudden I felt urge to eat everything in front of me and then puke. I started to be bulimic. I did not really try to hide it so my mum found out. She told that to my best friend and even though I tried to explain that it is hard and that it is not my choice, she told me she will stop talking to me if I continue to do it. God, I love her so much. I wanted to stop for her. I did. For exactly 6 days. And then it started all over. But I have learned to hide it. And I believed that everything would be better when summer starts, when I go to international workcamp and meet new friends. I will stop.

I did not. Instead of stopping, I ate a lot and then run to bathroom of the center we stayed in. Nobody noticed. I was happy there, I really was. People loved me, I had few boys but... I was so scared of gaining weight. At the time I was around X kilos. I came home and started doing it all again. When I am with my best friend and we do things together I don't even think about it, I don't purge and binge. I am perfectly normal. The problem is, she lives in a different country and she is here only for few weeks in summer. Of course she can not notice my problem. And its funny too. I was never able to keep secrets. And now I do, I am really good at hiding my own dark secret. I feel bad. Everyday I say that tomorrow I will stop, that tomorrow will be different. But its not. My throat aches and I have scars on my hands but nobody seems to notice them. Generally I am happy. I just don't know why I am doing this. Right now I am X kilos. Still, I don't think I am skinny enough. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am fat, its just... Fear of gaining weight... Oh God.

Next month I will be on the road whole time. Backpacking across Europe with my BFF. I hope that will be my ticket to salvation. Because if it turns bad again... I don't know how my journey will end.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program