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this is so hard to open up about

I've been overweight my whole life. at 17 I became bulimic and lost X lbs within a course of a year. I got a boyfriend an moved in with him. he was physically as well as emotionally abusive to me. this was not out of the ordinary because my father had been physically and emotionally abusive to me, my whole life. after 2 years of this I became extremely depressed and suicidal. my bulimia was my secret. I suffered in the dark because I was absolutely terrified at the thought of anyone finding out. I landed a job which I made a lot of money. I was physically beautiful and on the outside seemed to have a great life. in reality I was hurting so bad on the inside. I began raising my boyfriends 5 year old daughter who was abandoned by her mother. while dealing with his abuse that kept escalating. he would punch me in the face and kick me in the head with boots. one time when it was done I looked in the mirror and barely recognized myself. my face and head were misshaped an demented, along with blood and bruises everywhere. I also binged drank. I began blacking out because I wouldn't eat anything all day and would binge drink at night. finally one day I woke up in the hospital because the police found me walking around my neighborhood (which is a terrible neighborhood) naked and bare foot. and took me to the hospital because they suspected I had alcohol poisoning, which I did. I had to be there for 4 days on suicide watch. that was one of the worst times of my life. after that I decided I didn't wan to die and my stepdaughter needed someone to care for her so I stopped drinking. plus I was absolutely terrified that something bad would happen again. at this point my bulimia worsened because I had a lot of money we ate out all the time and of course I threw it up. I smoked a lot of pot because I didn't drink and that swung my bulimia in full gear because I would get the munchies, binge, purge, smoke again and it would all happen again. then I found out I was pregnant. this escalated my depression to the extreme. I knew it wouldn't be healthy for my baby but at this point I felt absolutely out of control. I did not believe it was possible for me to ever stop. and I didn't. it hurts me to say that I was bulimic throughout my whole pregnancy. thank god my baby was born healthy at 8lbs abd 2 oz. even though my boyfriend also beat me during my pregnancy. after she was born my boyfriend was barely ever around and I struggled trying to raise my daughters and deal with my secret. to someone who is not bulimic it is impossible to know how difficult it is to be a mom and bulimic. finally my bf who is now my ex ended up in prison with a lengthy sentence. and now im ready to get better. I slowed done seriously an deven went up to 30 days a couple times without binging and purging. but whats worse now is im beginning to believe I have some kind of bipolar or schizophrenia. at night I keep a fan on to block out small noises thatll keep me up. and this curtain in my room seems to be swaying back and forth and I feel like its an entity behind it , tormenting me. I know I should seek professional help. but I don't want anybody to think im crazy. I really am a good person who just wants to get better and help others.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program