This is not the story of my life, it is just a massive challege - Ji's bulimia story
How do You imagine the enemy in your head?
I have read a lot of posts and stories about girls thinking that Bulimia is their life and so on! I do not agree! I take the Bitch (you know what I am talking about but I hate that word) as a challenge we should all overcome.
In every life there are difficulties and finding the solutions and getting over them makes you stronger and wiser. Another thing, I think we all have lessons to learn during our lives, and if this has happened to us, it means that we can overcome it, and get to the other side as much better people.
All the girls I know who have the same problem are bright, beautiful, sensitive and funny people. We are strong enough to win this fight! The first step is to believe you are a winner. Then the world could be yours.
Falling into the trap
It started when i was 15, I was normal weight even slim, but you know when you are a teenager you have the chicks, which are actually cute, but my mum was crazy about diets at this time and kept telling me that I need to lose weight
...bla, bla...she even gave me diet pills...(I know) anyway, I couldn't handle the pressure and went to the B trap. It was about 2 years....Really bad case. I hated my life, myself...I wanted to tell somebody but I couldn't.
Then my mum found out, and that was what i needed. I stopped this nightmare and started fighting, at this time doctors new nothing about it, in the net there was no info, but I have found the answers myself. It was difficult but worth it. Then wonderful things started happening to me, like a miracle. I was 6 years free, happy. Then i just had a huge meal for my names day when a friend of mine told me that she purged and I said 'Why not just once' I wouldn't even think of it, but she activated the long forgotten part in my brain...so to make the long story short....i went in the trap again for 2 years...and now when i know the path...it's still soooo HARD. But I know that there is an end to it.
And there one of the greatest prizes in my life waiting for me to receive it.
Recovery Path - a long road with lots of stones
The first thing I did to really start my journey was to decide that no matter what I will fight and I will not give up.
Coz I have realized that for the past year I have been trying to recover but I was giving myself silly excuses. 'Now is not the right time, today I am angry, bored, lonely...' or anything. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle all the stress in my life without my addiction, coz my life was so messed up. But then I found out, that my life is a mess because of my addiction. I am wasting my time, my energy I am depressed and unable to do anything properly. It's amazing how since the first day of my real fight, my life started becoming better and better.
And I don't think it was just me, acting more effectively. I do think that once you are on the way you have the support. There is a phrase 'Help yourself and God will help you'
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a religious freak. I just believe that there is God and he/she is helping us to learn our lessons.
So many side effects! IF I haven't realized before that, I clearly understood I had messed up my body. I had all the extras. Bad digestion, anxiety, bloating even high temperature. And the urges were so strong sometimes.
The way I handle URGES is 'No restrictions!' and giving my body what it wants but in human amounts :D I still remember the 2nd day of recovery. It was in the evening and I already had a lot of food during the day but I felt like eating a toast. A real fight happened in my mind the Bitch was telling me to have 10 toasts and get rid of them, but I was fighting, my head was about to explode. I was thinking 'Maybe I should just go to sleep' but then I realized that if I do it I will be fine for the day but what about tomorrow. So I went to the kitchen and had the toast I felt like eating - with mozzarella and mayo! Since then I said NO RESTRICTIONS! Whenever I fell like I am doing that, I have whatever I felt like eating and it really works for me, though it is hard to change the concept I had in my mind.In the beginning I was having some serious DIGESTIVE PROBLEMS.
I felt full and hungry all the time. This is because your body is starving and in lack of vitamins, minerals, etc, but at the same time with harmed digestive system. I was taking some enzymes, but they weren't really helping. I had to sleep on my back and my cover was like a tent formed by my belly. Well, it wasn't that bad, but for me - it was. It takes time, but it started getting better and better. The cravings are getting less frequent because my body is already getting what it needs.
And the worst thing for me was The BLOATING.
I know it is only temporary, but still I know it's hard. I have found a strategy that really, really helps me handling it. Instead of thinking 'I am so bloated, this tummy must have something alive in it' :D and so on, try this. I wear baggy tops and wider jeans, but what I am hiding there is my own present for myself, and when i look at the bloat, what I see is I am getting healthy and that is just the package of my present, I know that when it's time I will open it, trow away the box and keep the present forever. The same thing I do when I look at the mirror and see my bloated face-cheeks, eyelids,etc. I remember that the holiday, the My Own Health Day is coming soon and I feel exited about it. It is not really working in the beginning, but what you do when you look at the bloat is telling that to yourself, replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones
, after a few days what you will see and think is just the happy side of the situation. Another thing is that We are the only one who is seeing the whole thing. The bloat is not so bad, but it looks bigger in our eyes. Coz we are having ED glasses now, which will eventually fall down and break. ALSO yesterday, I went to buy some NEW CLOTHES. New weight, new clothes, new you. It could be a lil disturbing trying all the trousers when you don't know your current size. But in the end, you have some new things which you feel comfortable with. Like I didn't feel comfortable with some jeans, same size but too tight, you don't need tight clothes when you are bloated or you are still not quite comfortable with ur weight.
I first went for some baggy trousers, but they make me look even bigger. So I picked some normal casual or smart trousers, but not soo tight. So you could feel sexy and comfortable at the same time.Today is my 12th Day IN RECOVERY! And I haven't felt that happy and strong in 2 years.
I still have the side effects, I am still fighting but it is getting better and better. And I feel so exited every day! I also had some days when I was very angry of something that happened to me at uni or anything else, but I reacted as My Real ME. I didn't go for my addiction. I fought for my rights in those situations. And at the end of that day I was happy because I reacted to the situation the right way and also that I am in recovery. Now whatever happens I still have a secret that makes me smile. It is That I am in recovery and I am proud of myself.TO ALL YOU AMAZING GIRLS! You can do it.
Everything will come in it's place, but in the beginning the puzzle pieces are so difficult to be found and figured out. Don't give up! Even if you make a mistake
(mistake is eating something that your stomach can't handle yet, NOT binge and purge) learn from it, but don't give up. Coz in the end you will have a beautiful picture with all the parts fitting right and be proud of it. You don't want to miss that, and spend all of your life wondering what was on the picture and why you couldn't make it right. And believe me, this picture is so beautiful you cannot even imagine.
A Response From Shaye
Hi again Ji!
Wow, thanks for submitting your inspirational bulimia recovery story! It made me smile over and over again at your thoughts and views :)
I know that a lot of other bulimic girls in recovery will gain motivation to start their journey from your story!
Keep up the good work! And, keep in touch!
All the love,