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This - A poem about bulimia

by Amanda McNeil
(Bennington Vermont)

Tears running down my face
I remember these days, secluded, engulfed with the memories
words. humiliation. betrayal.
abused and broken.
Picked up the pieces. To be pushed down over and over again.
my pieces broken even more than they were.
Finding a place of hope. momentary comfort.
Found a way to control what I couldnt.
It was amazing.
my escape. my mistake. my friend.
She showed me I didnt need you anymore.
I only needed her. But
like you, she betrayed me too.
Her grasp was a little stronger. Hit home a little more.
Showed my worth if I followed.
Showed you if I didnt. She hurt me deep, your wounds were superficial.
I couldnt bandage these.
Its a struggle. Im trying to climb to the top. I slip. reach. habitually continue.
Its ok. we still talk. But once i can fully say goodbye to her.
I will be better. I will know that every word you sputtered. that everything you did
through your sick pleasure. your torment of the innocent. will guide me, mold me better
to who i want to become.

Its happening again.
She's tightening her hold
I want so much
to fight her
to tell her no
"I dont need you anymore!"

They say you can make your
If only that were true
If only I could convince her
her painful words.
lying on the tiled floor
the reflection i see
tear stained eyes
reminds me why I obey

Our relationship
Its love and its hate
Its truth and lies
lies that become my daily truth
what I live for. what keeps me going.
my sanity

Shes showing me beauty, but murder is on her mind
shes killing me.
Its happened again. She's tightening her hold
I love it, but truthfully it scares me.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program