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There is no more "one more times" left.

by ruby michelle

I am 44 years old and have bees suffering with bulimia since I was about 16 or 17, if I remember correctly. I vaguely remember my first time experiencing the binge "high" but I know I was quickly addicted. In my twenties it was like pressing a button and making everything ok instantly. I had no problem doing it at restaurants, friends home etc. Jumping a couple of decades ahead now in my forties, to say the least it has taken its toll. My 2 front teeth eroded away a couple of years ago. I had to get caps for my wedding. I reached out for help off and on over the years and had some times of abstinence when life felt really good and I thought I had it conquered. But it is my sweet comfort that I have continued to come back to. Now, I am afraid that every time I go to do it, it will be my last time and my husband will find me dead in the bathroom. Then everyone will say wow she really meant it. She needed help.

Shaye Says

Hi Ruby,

Thank you for sharing your story... I know how hard living with bulimia is and I could feel the frustration and pain in your message. I remember promising myself hundreds of times "Tomorrow will be different, tomorrow I wont binge and purge" but bulimia was my comfort too - after years of bingeing and purging, it had become my answer to everything...

Happy? Binge/purge!
Sad? Binge/purge!
Angry? Binge/purge!
Excited? Binge/purge!

I now understand the reasons for this... Firstly, my bulimia would never leave while I was still trapped in the cycle of trying to lose weight by dieting. Dieting will always lead on to binge eating and so it can't be part of a recovery plan - even after recovery. Of course my dieting never worked anyway and I'd always end up binge eating... but gosh I tried to beat bulimia by restricting my food enough times! The other reason my recovery attempts failed so many times was that I didn't realise bulimia had become a habit, wired with real physical neural pathways connections in my brain. I thought I was just weak/crazy/pathetic.... I didn't understand the science behind this type of addiction. Once I started taking real actions to re-wire my old habits - bulimia started disappearing from my life. If you would like to learn more about re-wiring neural pathways, check out my online recovery program. It takes some time and definitely a lot of persistence - but the good news is IT IS POSSIBLE for every single bulimic to recover.

Please have faith in yourself Ruby - there is a beautiful life waiting for you. The second half of your life can be the best part!


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program