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The Whole Thing

by A.
(London UK)

Hmmm wow I don't know where to start really. Except for that yes, this beast has taken over my life and its very depressing. It all started 6 years ago when a healthy diet and fitness regime got me a lot of attention...then i took it too far and became anorexic and from there, i don't even know how it happened....when i ate normally my body just couldn't stomach it all and it felt like wow that was weird, i just brought it up without trying! Then the binging started and voila...

I honestly don't think I'll ever get out of it. I have been up and down in bad times and improved times, but I just can't imagine I will ever be cured. Plus I remember people saying in school....once an eating disorder, always an eating disorder..I feel like this might be true to at least some degree. I hate to be negative, its not my nature, but I'm just finding it hard to see the light right now.

Presently I'm at a point in my life where I go 2 or 3 days, sometimes even a week with no p/b... but then, its too much, I break, and basically destroy myself and my savings. Its so pathetic I can't bear it. I have people that are very close to me and lots of friends but i live abroad from my family and no one one in my whole entire life knows...sometimes i want to tell my sister or my mum but then i would never be able to take it back...and they would tell someone else in the family....i hate the thought it being discussed behind my back its just too embarrassing.

I went to a shrink once and he made me cry so hard I've never felt worse about myself. The best thing I ever did was see a hypnotist who took me from full fledged bp to noting at all. that lasted for about 2 1/2 months until...almost unintentionally....i was at a really nice meal out, bp free and happy...was enjoying the company when i ate just a little too much, was bloated... and felt that old feeling again like its coming up my throat, i've still got it. I really don't even have to try to throw up...i could do it in front of someone in a mug and they would never notice. So gross...and makes it all too difficult to stop. I know I can over do it in my when I have anything thats bad, even one bite of dessert after a meal, i think, ok you've ruined it, you've hopped on board now, you might as well go all out.

The other thing is the bloating that I can't deal with. And maybe that I don't eat enough...I don't know...I get the whole pattern and what I need to do but why can't i do it.....seriosuly i think i need help!!! I am so weak. I didn't think I was. But I hate being so tortured...I just feel so tired all the even normal eating doesnt work for still tired and hungry...never satisfied...I wish i could just quit food for life.


ps. sorry if that was too long going on about my own story...i actually feel self indulgent for expecting someone to read all that!

pps. another big thing that makes me feel guilty is my teeth. i have already ruined them so much it depresses me a lot..they were really nice dentist has already done work on them he's going to kill me next time i think i've worn it all away again

Shaye Says

Hi A.

I just had to reply to your story because I have been exactly where you are now and I know how hard it is!

I used to believe that there was no way in hell I could recover from bulimia... As you say, I thought "Once a bulimic, always a bulimic" But it doesn't have to be this way! I am now a completely normal eater - and you can get here too.

I used to binge and purge at least 15 times a day... Steal from my family to buy food... Even re-eat my own vomit when it came up in my mouth and get a rush because it felt like I was getting a second chance at the food!! In other words I was completely and utterly addicted to food and purging. I would panic if I knew there would be a time (even just 15 minutes) when I didn't have access to food or a toilet. What an exhausting way to live! But my point is we are not born bulimic - it is a problem that slowly but surely got engrained in our brains... But just as that problem developed, it can be broken... Yes it's a challenging journey, but it's worth it for this freedom!

I am sorry you didn't have the best experience with the therapist you saw... But just because that treatment wasn't right for you - it doesn't mean NO treatment is right for you! Explore other options... Your life is worth it! I have confidence in the information and support I offer in The Bulimia recovery Program - You can learn about it on that link. But as I say - there are a lot of options... There are excellent treatment centers and there are therapists who do a good job too. Keep your mind open to all these possibilities...

I know the shame bulimia brings makes it hard to seek help... But the truth is you deserve to get well, nomatter what it takes.

Keep your chin up and remember, I recovered and you can too!


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program