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The vicious cycle

by Michelle

I'm always finding myself saying, "Am I going to be okay if I eat all this today?" I usually plan my cheat days on saturdays and sometimes sundays. I was never fat at all. At 17, I weighed X and was 5'7, which is considered healthy. I've always been into exercising, but one day I started to obsess about how fat my face looked, In the fall of 2011, I began running 7 miles everyday and watched what I ate. I tried to eat as healthy as possible and drink lots of water. That winter I lost X pounds. When people started noticing I thought, "I look and feel better, so lets keep doing it." Eventually, I found myself in the bathroom most weekends purging up all the food I consumed. I felt better and felt like I could keep eating and continuing the cycle. After the weekends, I began taking exercising to new levels. Each day I wouldn't leave the gym until I burned X calories. I was eating healthy during the week and felt great because I was burning off all the food I ate every saturday and sunday. By summer I was 18, weighed X pounds and that was good. My goal weight was around X. When I left for college in the fall I didn't change my routine at all, but I realized I needed to get help, so I called a counselor, who I still see. We have worked on many things, but I still can't find myself stopping this vicious cycle. I did start cutting down how many calories I burn at the gym, but it is still over X. Ever since I came back from Christmas break I was X pounds and still am now. I started to get even more upset when my boobs and period started to come back because I assoiated it with weight gain. I was confused and upset. I still want and need to be X pounds. I've been at war with myself every weekend. I always tell myself, "This is your last cheat weekend, so go ahead and eat whatever you want!" But with the heavy exercise and extreme weekly dieting, by the time the weekend comes I feel like it's okay to "cheat" once again.

Anybody who has never had this happen to them does not know how it feels. You lose control and hate yourself. I am ready to change and start a healthier lifestyle for myself. I talked to my counselor and we both think it would be a good idea to contact a nutritionist to help guide me towards my ideal goals concerning weight, exercise, and food. I have decided that I don't want to life this lifestyle anymore. I have an appointment in the beginning of June and I am looking forward to changing. I know how hard this cycle is to break and I support anyone who has been through, or are currently struggling from this. I believe that each and everyone of you can find the strength to turn your life around now. It's time to conquer your happiness and beat the vicious cycle.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program