The Vicious Cycle
The first time I made myself throw up was 5 years ago. It was because I binged and was curious if I could actually make myself throw up. I was successful. The euphoric feeling of that first purge haunts me to this day. I wasn't so bad at first. I was active enough that if I binged some days I didn't have to purge to control my weight. But I have always been unhappy with my weight. It seems that every year I put on a few more pounds and when I was 15 the vomiting had only just begun. I started to do it more regularly. Once a month to about once a week. I threw up alcohol easily and people were always so shocked that I could "handle so much liquor" but little did they know I threw it up on purpose. I remember working at a pita place.. We made cookies. I snuck a chocolate chip cookie.. Then about 6 more. Then I snuck to the bathroom to throw up before my colleagues would notice. I recently visited that pita place and realized it was one of the first binge-purges I had been on. And it was nothing compared to what I do now. After I graduated my boyfriend broke up with me and first year of university absolutely destroyed me. I am a perfectionist and literally locked myself in my basement to study every waking hour. I binged. Oh did I ever binge. I cried too. I cried myself to sleep for the first 5 months of university. Over my ex, over gaining weight, over how overwhelming school was. People saw how ill I looked. I don't know how my parents didn't notice a change in me or how they didn't notice how sick I was. Or how they didn't hear me puking. This summer I vowed to lose the weight. I finally got down to X lbs.. Then I started counting calories and realized I was only eating about X a day. Then I went on a week long binge. It started with a junior cheeseburger, cinnabon, 3 cookies, peanut butter, cereal and then a big glass of water. I shoved my fingers down my throat and panicked that I couldn't throw up... I shoved my fingers down there about 7 times and only got a little more out each time. It was painful. My nose was running and my eyes watering. I started crying. I didn't want to eat all that. But I purposely, self sabotaged all of my diet efforts. I would be back to X by morning..
When morning came, my throat was sore, my face was swollen and I promised to start anew. I wouldn't binge so I wouldn't have to purge. So I tried to eat healthy and more often and didn't let myself feel hungry. I worked out a lot and started to feel good. Then one slip up led to a three day binge. The first day I binged and purged so hard and I could taste everything come back up and knew it was all gone. The next day I couldn't bear to purge after my binge so I just hated myself. I could feel my body shutting down, always tired, always sick, mental exhaustion. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the self sabotage.
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