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The nightmare continues..

by Monica

Today I am having a really hard time with my weight. I was looking at picture in facebook of when I was thinner and I am getting cravings to loose weight, restrict, go on a diet… I know where that is going to take me. I keep thinking I can handle a little diet, just a few pounds less, but who am I kidding? I know better, this is only going to work for a little while and then it's going to lead me right into bulimia’s arms and the b/p cycle will re-start. I REALLY don’t want that… but I WANT to loose weight sooo bad. I have this visions in my head were I physically take a knife and cut the “extra” meat of my thighs. I am obviously not going to do that but that is the kind of urge I get sometimes. It’s almost like I want to jump out of my skin…
I have been having good days and bad days. In 3 weeks I have b/p twice and I have binged a little almost every night but I keep it down. It feels soooo horrible that I cry myself to sleep. I become snappy and irritable and I am constantly apologizing to my husband for my moods… and my nasty, nasty, nasty gas. He is an angel. I keep telling him it is only going to get better, and that WE have to be patient. I am always saying: thank you, thank you, thank you for putting up with me, for being patient and for being my rock. He is going through a lot at work and is very stressed out, and he is only human so we fight a lot, but then we make up. I really want to get better for him and me, and us, and the possibility of a life free of this obsession. I made a 1 month-worth menu were I have Breakfast-snack-lunch-snack-dinner-snack, and I am eating every 2-3 hrs. However, I continue to be sooooo hungry all the time, especially at night. I read about that one a lot. It seems like I am fine all the long, very controlled and structured, but then I get home, exercise (I am doing 5 days a week for no more than 1 hr) and dinner time comes, I eat what I had planned (i.e chicken breast, salad and quinoa with a small dessert) and I can seem to control the hunger. I am insatiable. Is so frustrating… am I doing it wrong? I still think about food all the time, I am bloated and I have gain weight so all that together is making it harder and harder. Sometimes I am happy with what I see in the mirror, but most of the time I see a heavier me. I know I am at a healthy weight. I am not under or overweight at this point in time, but I have been underweight for so many years that I can’t seem to get used to the idea of being “heavier”. So how long does the structural eating takes to “kick in”? is it ok to exercise a little during recovery. I also quit smoking recently so that is going to cause some anxiety and more weight gain I guess… I was smoking about 5-7 cigarettes/day and had been smoking for about 14 years. Running and endorphins keep me sane and happy… I just want to make sure it’s not going to interfere with recovery…

Shaye Says

Hi Monica :)

Well done on your recovery so far! I know it's a rough ride at times - but you are doing so well!

You are not doing structured eating wrong... Recovery does take time... but it's an investment in yourself that you deserve :) It took me months to get my structured eating going smoothly... binge eating was such an automatic habit that it took time to overwrite it with new habits! Keep pushing forward, I promise it's worth it!

Exercise is absolutely fine in recovery... Just rather than focusing on 'calorie burning' try to focus on it's health benefits... How it will help you live a long and energetic life :)


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program