The never ending hell hole.....
by Elanore Sweeney
(Denver, Colorado, USA)
Bulimia is a trap. You feel embraced by feelings of guild, self-hatred, and disgust. I am writing here today as my very first entry in any eating disorder blog online. Never have I ever shared the truth about my eating habits with any friends or even family. I can't bring myself to do it. I hope that sharing my story here online will help to relieve at least a bit of my pain and suffering. Although I can't complain too much (I have read about bulimic cases that are far worse than what I experience) I am still definitely not living a healthy lifestyle. I can't remember the last time that I went an entire week without throwing up SOMETHING. It's like I tell myself every single day that this will be the last time it happens, and then the next morning I am purging my breakfast into the bathroom sink because I indulged too much when I wasn't even hungry to begin with. This is a mortifying disease that requires the help and attention of others. Although I know that this is true, I still cannot bring myself to tell anyone about my patterns. I feel as though it would be selfish to make people pity me, when it doesn't seem as though I have anything wrong. I am in perfectly good shape, I have a great social life, and I am a varsity Lacrosse player on my high school team. I am free of depression and childhood traumas that may have led me into this trap. I honestly lead a very easy going and fortunate lifestyle, which is why I feel guilty asking for help or attention when it doesn't seem necessary. Despite these feelings, I KNOW that I have a problem. I know that I am fucking up my digestive system. And I know that I have trouble keeping food down, and eating normal portions that I will be able to easily absorb and digest. I hardly ever poop because my digestive track is so used to bringing food back up the other direction. This is not a healthy way to live, and I am desperate to make changes to my current diet. I know that I need help, but like I said, I can't ask anyone. Hopefully writing this will help me to see a better light, and understand why I am in the wrong. I need to change, and I need to do it now.
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