The long tedious journey for a performer... Rebekahs bulimia story
I was the lead in a musical -'The Secret Garden' - Mary, and being young had a doubler 11yrs. One day she said i was so fat I'd break the table - from then I started to really notice my weight and body. I was in fact smaller than her and by no means big, however often the stresses of changing school, not knowing anyone - being thrown in front of the school to sing in the first week of arriving, and then continual bitching about me, being the stuck up, totally up my self bitch that thought I was better than every one else... VERY WRONG!!
I just wanted to fit in and be normal.
After being bullied and a real emotional battle at school I started to loose a rapid amount of weight. At the time I didn't think too much of it - just opting for the healthier option, giving away any processed snacks etc... This turned into an arduous journey of anorexia.
After having some really horrible days at school, one day after seeing something on the TV, about Pro ana sites, I decided to investigate, of course deleting the computer memory, however the research, the action lead to almost tearing my family apart. One day I'd forgotten to flush the toilet... I have no idea how I could have forgotten... Well my sisters suspicions were confirmed.
Forced to go to dr's, counselling, getting pulled out of school into home schooling so I could be force fed. Didn't work too well...
At this stage I was terribly anorexic, my sisters best friend also was, and we'd talk, and my other sisters best friends sister also was... TERRIBLE.
One of the girls was hospitalised for quite a spell, and they wanted to do the same to me, although my parents wouldn't allow it. Tantrums, fights, food... I was in hell.
Mum had a little book she'd write my weight in 3 times a week when I'd be sent to the dietician, and or phsycologist... Most of this time was and still is a big blurr, I can't remember much, nor can I remember when things really started to change.
I could no longer sing however -- the purging did that, and the anorexia, quickly turned to bulimia - I told everyone it would and has been so ever since, however, the purging had to stop because I'd never get my voice back.
For a short period things went really well.. SHORT PERIOD... there is another HUGE memory block from this period as well.
I used food for comfort and every reason really, and exercise and dieting would compensate, and keep my figure - not too large... However being a singer and performer, I needed to fit into my dresses (have copious amounts of very expensive stunning gowns).
I ended up in hospital for 7 or so months - very hard and horrible journey, after few months from that, home schooling again (I'd gone back to school before I'd turned Bulimic and had more meat on me) - my final year and working, i got an amazing lead role in another musical, I'd gotten into a state/national level performing arts program and was working with the top of the top people in the industry, I started to get back on track.
As the dates for the opening of the show drew near, I'd lost a substancial amount of weight, but I was soo happy... Once it ended things plumertted again thoguh.. i'm struggling yet again, even though I've been given another lead role in but an even bigger musical. All the attempts of recovery seem to always fail, my hope on everything is very thin, but, looking at it all now I wonder if I really wanted to recover. From girls I knew from hospital dying from it - change needs to happen. I don't want to live like this any longer. I know my mothers gone through it, I know my dad owns a dieting HOME BASED business, but I need to do this for myself and my future generations. I don't want my children going through this.
No the buck stops here.I was binge free for 2 months whilst the previous show was on (yes I may have opted for some diet pills), but I made it, and I'm going to do it again, though taking it day by day.
I've been blessed with a life, now it's time to live it, love it and embrace it. I'm ready!