The life of a "beauty queen" is far from beautiful
(evil land, ca)
I was fat for most of my life;16 years. Always the "DUFF" designated ugly fat friend. I got sick of being made fun of and lost 50 pounds...
I lost it completely healthily: exercise, portion control etc. However, now at almost 20 years old, I binge and purge my food not to lose weight, but because I get so angry at myself. My boyfriend (of 4 years) and I broke up about 3 weeks ago and I was blogging privately (or so I thought) about how poorly he treated me. well, he found the blog and yelled at me this morning. I have felt horribble ever since and I just made myself barf to punish myself.
I compete in pageants and I've won many, but I feel dishonest because im supposed to be a role model, not a role un-model. my throat hurts, i've cried a lot, and I am just overall dissappointed in myself.
I've been bulimic for 4 years and Im scared I'm going to be this way the rest of my life. I need something to look forward to.
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