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The Itch

Hi,
I'm 20 and have had bulimia for nearly 6 years and I've had enough. I had had enough a long time ago though but can't see to fet rid of this habitual 'thing' I hate with all of my heart.
I always ate what I wanted and had a great figure, but I had always been skinny and now curves were there. I looked good but the closer I looked, the bigger I thought I was. I remember the first meal I had less than usual, It was at school and the dinner lady gave me less, I was annoyed but once I had eaten It I was full and I realised that I could eat less and still be full. This is where It began.
I started to decrease my portions until I was eventually eating bran flakes with water for breakfast, salad, tomatoes, cucumber and chilli sauce for lunch and a salad and other bits for supper. This went on for a year and I got really thin, when I slept my hips ached, when I brushed my hair my arms got so tired, my hair on my arms and back grew to keep me warm, my circulation was awful, I knew my friends wanted to help but I just brushed their suggestions off and kept my happy face on. It's weird to think how many really happy people, or at least they seem that way, are deeply depressed, sad and miserable.
I felt so selfish to feel like this because I had so much going for me, great friends, a great school, I was sporty, musical, quite bright and had a great body, but I was always a high achiever and didn't think I was doing enough. GCSE's made me worry and I became stuck in my dorm at school, studying, missing meals, going to the gym and became a recluse so no one would see me eat or wander why I wasn't eating, but of course everyone knew.
Once my friends caught me being sick, I lied to their faces and I felt so ashamed, I hated what the eating disorder made me do.
I makes you do things you would never want to do, I was a caring, loyal and happy person made to lie SO many times, too many times, made me say things to cover where I had been, lied about what I had eaten, why I couldn't eat.
It became so bad that all my family life was shouting, arguing, crying and me trying to escape. Because I was at boarding school I could, I just didn't come home and would make excuses not to come home.

Obviously after starving your body for a period of time you start to crave things, so I ate a few biscuits and couldn't stop. I covered digestive and custard creams with chocolate spread and then felt so sick. There was a girl in our year who also had bulimia and thought, maybe I'll just do it this once. That is what I say to myself every time I purge. 'That is the last time, I am never doing this again, I'm 'sick' of doing this, I can't be bothered with this stupid thing anymore'. I think the worst part of the illness Is that it makes your face look puffy. I used to have such a slimmer face and I really do miss it, that is my biggest motivation but It still doesn't seem to help me kick the disease.
I hate what it has done to my family, I hated going home because I had to eat what my parents cooked and It was out of my control, I didn' t know how many calories had gone into it and even if i counted off the top of my head the fact that maybe oil AND butter had gone into the meal was too much.
I became a vegetarian, but my mum just made me vegetarian meals with high fat cheese, pasta etc in...she was just being a good mum but our friendship has been ruined.
I am so embarrassed by what I do now, every day I'm out about (now in Sydney) I buy food and purge, buy food and purge, this happens about 3 times a day. I have spent thousands on food that has been wasted. I study Environmental Studies and I, if anyone should know the importance of minimal waste.
I am so desperate to stop this, I'm 20 years old and this stupid horrible, distructive disease has truly ruined my life, I just don't know how to stop. Every day I say, this is a new day I'm going to be free of bulimia, then I buy a snack, then 2 and I am out of control like a bull on a rampage.
I want to stop more than anything but there is something greater stopping me...help...

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program