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the demons with in

by Maria
(salt lake city, utah)

Hi my name is mari.. iam 21 years old and have been in recovery for 2 months today :) ..I was bulimic for 4 years.. worst years of my life.
. I had always been over weight as a kid I was always the "fat girl" and would get made fun of a lot by some kids at school. My high school years weren't that great either I was always the fat chick all my friends where skinny and would have all the boys talking to them me I was just on the side ignored. During the end of my junior year I had had enough of it I was sick and tired of being fat and feeling left out and worthless so I started dieting and going to the gym. During summer vacation I worked out and ate just salads I lost alot of weight about X pounds I went back to school and no one could believe how different I looked I kept getting compliments and everyone seemed to notice me for the first time in my life I felt like I was worth something. It was like a dream come true . I soon started to become more and more obsessed about my weight always wanting to lose more weight no matter how much people told me how skinny I looked it was never good enough for me. Then one day in health class we watched a video on eating disorders and I saw how the girl in it ate what she wanted and didnt get fat.. so I decided to try it .telling my self it was only one time that I wouldn't do it again I threw up and it all began soon I started doing it more and more and be for I knew it I was throwing up everyday. Bulimia took over my life no longer was I in control it controlled me I would throw up everything I ate and binge on food up to 10 times a day it was so bad I could finish a whole large pizza by myself and throw it Up and then binge and purge on somethin g else after that ..I was an expert on hiding my disease no one had any idea of the dark secret I hid ... these demons in my head kept controlling me telling me to EAT I would try to resist but it was impossible it was like they took control of my mind and me and I did as they and throw up .. I tried so many times to stop but always failed I kept getting weaker I was losing so much hair my teeth where eroding away my skin looked ugly I was tired not wanting to do anything feeling depressed I was ashamed of what I have become this was not me .. then I finally decided enough was enough I took control of my mind I locked those voices in my head deep down so far into the darkness they where now scared of me. It took all I had it was one of the hardest things iv done but I did it and never looked back I finally found myself. I am free.

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