the bulimia keeps getting worse...
My first "binge and purge" took place at an all you can eat buffet. I enjoyed ALL the restaurant had to offer and then headed right to the bathroom. My immediate after thoughts were, "Well that was dumb. I won't be doing that again." Seven years later at 22 years old I'm sitting at home alone after having just vomited behind my elementary school dumpster so my father couldn't hear me. Sometimes I wish my lies and odd behaviour were due to drugs or alcohol... "No dad I wasn't getting high! I was throwing up the large pizza, Big Mac, ice cream, chocolate bar, and red velvet cup cake I just ate!"
The people closest to me know I have a problem with food. They don't know how BIG this problem is. They've witnessed some strange noises coming from the washroom. They've heard me admit I can't come to this cottage weekend because "there will be too much food for me." My cousin knew I wasn't drunk when I crashed her car and that I was going to get tim bits... She doesn't know I was "drunk" on those tim bits and I couldn't see straight because I NEEDED to eat those little donuts.
My life is slowly becoming more and more consumed by my illness. I can't attend girls nights, parties, cottage weekends, restaurants, picnis, bbqs, events, weddings, ANYTHING where food is available to me... and if I do, I know I have to have an excuse to leave early so I can pull over my car and vomit everything I ate while pretending to be involved in the conversation happening amongst friends but really strategizing how I'm going to get that extra brownie without anyone noticing.
I'm in a constant battle with myself that continues to get worse and worse. I want to scream to everyone around me HELP ME - it's so much worse than you think. I can't love anymore. I hate myself. I hate looking down the toilet every day. I hate shoving food down the drain in the shower, I hate pulling the car over, I hate hiding behind dumpsters to puke.
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