The Black Bulimic!
I am 21 years old African American and suffer from Bulimia. It's sad because in my community it's not understood it is also not talked about so I suffer it alone. I am so embarrassed because I really hate myself I hate being fat. I don't relish the idea of the black women's supposed dream body. I don't want the hips the curves the insanely large butt or breast. I like the ideas of being skinny and rail thin I don't want to be another overweight black women. I am 5'9 and X pounds nobody believes me because I am so tall. I am constantly told I look better with more weight on the lowest I been was X highest X. I am also on an antidepressant that causes me not to eat so I abuse it also. I started when I was seventeen and had gained a bit of weight.
I had however been fascinated with the idea of having an eating disorder for years. I wanted to be anorexic but didn't have the will power. I lust after the Amy Winehouse rail thin bodies ribs and wrists bones. I was really thin until I got put on a psych med at twelve that caused me to balloon from 116 to 175 in about four months because it makes you feel like a bottomless pit. So I ate and ate until stuffed not realizing I was gaining a gang of weight. My family started to say how overweight I had gotten so they took me off the med. To late however I kept the eating habits.
So finally at 17 I got idea I wanted to lose weight. It was right after Hurricane Gustav in Louisiana. So I started to count calories and then I started to binge when I would get really hungry. I would get really dizzy from all the puking so I also started to abuse laxatives. I lost some weight and stopped... Without anyone knowing.
So fast forward a few years in the same spot Christmas day 2010 and I have nothing nice to wear I have gained so much weight I am down to one pair of pants. I had started bingeing.. My boyfriend was much older and his kids and him had a high metabolism so I deep fried foods for them and him. The only thing they ate was chicken nuggets, French fries, icecream and cereal and were super thin. So I began to pile on the weight. I would get the groceries and just start dipping into everything bingeing without the purge. So I let my boyfriend know after I finished 40 sandwhiches cookies with a hug cup of milk after we just had bought them. He says "You're eating like a Dog!!!". His sons had been telling him I was eating all the food but he didn't believe them because I hardly ate in front of him but would be planning meals for as soon as he went to work at night. So we made a pact he would help me stop.
Soon I started bingeing and purging again I also think it has to do with the need to score attention. I love the attention I get I crave it when I begin to lose weight. I live with my dad and binge and purge into the kitchen sink. I feel so bad because I have to lie and take advantage of the fact he is older and can't hear well. So I binge all day but I've run into a problem I stopped using my hand long ago and use a toothbrush except my gag reflex seems to have left. I'm stuck with throw up hands which I have to force clean drown my throat in order to puke now. I am not ready to quit though I am stuck in this cycle for now...
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