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That little voice in my head saying you're not good enough

by smg

I just graduated high school from a good public school. I have plenty of friends and i've never been over weight. I played soccer and lacrosse and was captain of my swim team. One of my best friends developed anorexia. I did everything i could to help her and as time went on I became jealous of how skinny she was. Then it almost seemed like everyone was in a competition with each other on who could be the skinniest. Then during the middle of my senior year my family life blew up in smoke. I used to always be the party girl and loved going out and after this i would stay in my house or go out alone because i didn't care to be with anyone. It started off with me getting a gym membership and just being focused on losing weight and being healthy for prom. I would eat about X calories a day and work out for about 2 hours burning anywhere from X calories. I was obsessed and I loved the way my body was looking. Then I cracked. I remember looking in my cabinet and thinking okay ill just have a few crackers and maybe some peanut butter. 2 hours later and the whole box is gone and I'm spooning down peanut butter and i'm still starving! I ate for what it seemed like to be hours not knowing how to control myself and then i felt so guilty I threw up. I thought it was just a gonna be a one time deal. It's been 5 months and I still don't know how to eat right. I'm always bloated and i get really bad chipmunk cheeks and my whole body just feels wider. It's terrible and looking back on pictures of myself I wish i never started any of this I looked great the way i was but now i feel like I'll never look like that again. It's been one of the worst things I've ever experienced. I'm obsessed with food and exercising and now I feel like i can't even go out if I don't exercise. Its killing me I really want out!!! I started recovering for 5 days and I snapped and now I'm back at square one and I'm super depressed.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program