I know it's time... Eugene's Bulimia Story
(somewhere in the world=P)
I've been sitting here looking all over your site for an hour and 15 mins now =P and first I really want to thank you for sharing a part of your life which was embarrassing and the hardest yet to come. And through this I see that your reaching hands to the ones in trouble like me...
I'm 16 and I'm on break now till august. I live in a boarding school and I'm going to share how awful I'm feeling...
But thank God i've told my parents recently (about my bulimia)... (and yes it was damn hard and scary...=P) But the problem is... I still deceive my beloved parents and others around me... everyday... I've been bulimic for 3 or 4 years now... I haven't seen blood or had sores on my hands and mouth. I think it's because it was hard only in the beginning, and when I got used to it... I'd binge and head to the loo and automatically it would come out. and I didn't get to any laxative abuse.
That is my general statement as where I'm at...
It all started in 7th grade. like you Shaye, I was suddenly and reluctantly moved to another environment. Well... it was because of my mom we had to move to Korea again because of her cancer problems (she's recovered =P) but anyways, one day after finally settling in I overheard from my classmates about a celebrity who committed suicide last night. I asked them "how?" they simply answered "she was a bulimic". It was funny because I didn't know a thing about eating disorders. So I learnt more about it and few weeks later at night I was snacking on noodles and curiosity triggered a bad choice which led me till here (bulimia). I was surprised when you wrote it was easy enough to do it even in public. So yea, it was no big deal at first... Once or twice a week out of curiosity. Then bulimia appeared everyday. I always had high or middle level self-esteem but as I stepped into the world where everything was depended on appearance I started it... Not caring what would be the result... I was 164cm (5'4"about) and 57kg's when I started and dropped to 50kg's or so. I was happy except for my face swelling up and the heaviness on my face... My mom told me that she only thought I was binging because I was at the stage of "growing" and it was normal for kids my age. And yes I was and still am (sadly) skilled and getting trails off my parent's eyes.
The first embarrassing story that comes to mind is when we went to a buffet restaurant and I did my best to not overfill my self with food but I did it again. I went to the bathroom to puke but like I always do I first checked to see if it flushed, and shoot! it didn't so I had to use the sink... But one problem, it was open and people could pass by. But I really couldn't take it anymore and started puking, and again it was... BLOCKED! I was so nerve-wrecked I stated panicking... Haha if you were there watching me... lol! I did everything I could and it was half blocked now. I gave up and started to make up a plan...
plan a) Act to the cleaner as if it was there the first time
plan b) Act like I was sick and I just had to do it
plan c) Just ditch =P
I felt really guilty but I picked plan b and went back to the buffet...
This ugly pattern continued until I was back the place I used to be (the previous country) and I was sent to a boarding school which I used to attend, and here was the climax... since it was a boarding with only 56 students (it's really small 38 boys,18 girls) and lots of toilets I had access to a lot of food. You know... being bulimic makes you into a totally different person to who you truly are... I'd deceive, lie and make up situations positive for my bulimic activities.
I'm back up to 52~53kg and still am NOT satisfied... over this break I'm planning to exercise with my dad and maybe lose 5~7kg... I know... I'm still being an idiot but yea that's the hardest thing about bulimia... If you don't accept as you are... it's hard. And the saddest thing was calling my mom during boarding school, I'd always say "I'm fine, I think I'm really getting over this sickness mom..." and encourage her not to worry... These days I'm getting 3 careful times to puke what I ate... please...
p.s Could I get your personal email address?
With fulfilled hope Eugene.
A message from Shaye
Thanks you so much for having the courage to share your story! I know how hard it is to talk about bulimia
... It took me 3 years to finally sit down and start on this website!
Your story really struck me because you said it was just after you immigrated that your bulimia began
... This proves how traumatic immigration is - as the same thing happened with me... However, your situation must have been even harder as you went there for your mothers cancer treatment... I'm so happy that she recovered! You bulimia story made me cringe
... that must have been awful for you! I remember once somebody caught me throwing up and I told them I had eaten something rotten and it was making me sick... It was a horrible and embarrassing experience!
Eugene - I know you're wanting to protect you mom by not telling her about how bad you bulimia really is
... But, I think you must tell her. She sounds like she is loving and caring and will help you if you ask. You mustn't be scared of hurting her - it will hurt her a lot more if 10 years down the track she finds out you have been suffering all this time!Would it be possible for you to see a therapist/counsellor?
Going to see mine helped speed up my recovery... In fact I'm not sure I could have recovered from bulimia alone.Don't focus on trying to lose weight over this break... focus on getting help for your bulimia
.. Then once you have recovered, if you still want to lose weight - you can focus on doing it by eating a healthy diet and exercising.
Trust me... You don't want to waste your teenage years as a bulimic... It's exhausting, lonely, sad and dangerous.
Life is wonderful when your not thinking about food and throwing up the whole time!
If you want to get in touch my personal email... Just contact me on the contact us page... and we can get in touch :)
Take care of yourself and remember... There is more to life than the numbers on the scale!
All the love.
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I used to be in control - A Bulimia Story
I started being bulimic when I was a sophmore in high school. Now I will be a senior in college and I am still suffering with the disease.
When I first started it was because I wanted to lose weight for my sport. All my life I was a swimmer, competing at nationally ranked levels.
In high school I qualified every year for the state championships and placed in the top 8 for every event. My world seemed so under control and I was feeling as if my problem with food was a mere sacrifice for my athletic success.
What I did not realize at the time was how out of control it was all getting. I am 5'5 and I got down to 103 pounds. For some, that might not seem too dangerous, but for an athlete, it is.
There were 3 times I passed out, and one of those times were in the water. I could not even compete anymore. My times were so slow and I had no energy. The sport I had worked for my whole life was slowly disappearing from me.
As my freshman year of college rolled around I began training with my team. Again, I could not make my usual send offs and was getting frustrated...
My problem was only getting worse.
We had 3 a day practices, and I was taking a full load of classes. The only time I could binge and purge was around midnight, or 3 am. I did this for no reason... anxiety and boredom. This left me exhausted and unable to swim. I began to hate myself even more, and my body even more.
I noticed that I didn't even look like the same girl anymore. My once thick, curly hair was thinning, my weight gain was always fluctuating and my face looked round.
I feel hideous.
No one knows about my bulimia except for my mom. And for some reason she has never helped me get treatment. I don't think she really cares.
With all of this, I quit swimming. And now, I feel lost. As I try to recover on my own, I find myself just doing the cycle over and over again. A part of me still likes being bulimic, and the other part hates it. I want to stop, but I don't know how.
How can I stop bulimia on my own? I started on my own... Why can't I beat it? It has been almost 7 years.
Sometimes I wish I was anorexic. That way I wouldn't spend my money binging on food, and I wouldn't look unattractive.
Please give some advice...
A MESSAGE FROM SHAYE:
WOW Jessica - I can't believe how similar your story is to mine!
I had shivers all over my body when I was reading it... and Actually feel quite emotional right now.I was also an athlete - and had to give up springboard diving because of my bulimia...
4 months before the Olympic Games - which I was in the squad for!
Bulimia is a consuming illness. It starts off just as something you do to lose a little weight... but gradually it takes hold of you - and without realising it begins to 'own' you.
The good news is that YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR BULIMIA. You are not JESSICA THE BULIMIC... You are Jessica, a girl who struggles with bulimia.
The first thing to realise is that you CAN recover from bulimia. You can beat it! You might not believe this right away but remind yourself every night when you go to beat "I CAN BEAT THIS" "I WILL BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY"...
And, if you manage not to binge and purge for a day, or even if you do it a little less in a day... Give yourself positive reinforcement... Squeeze yourself as hard as you can and say "YOU GO GIRL... TODAY WAS GOOD!"
I know it sounds really lame... but it helps. And if at first you feel like your faking it... that's okay... Fake it till you make it!
My second piece of advice is to choose 2 people you trust to discuss your bulimia with.
This is REALLY HARD... But feels SO good once it's done! This is a VITAL step in bulimia recovery. I advise that you talk to your mom about it and a close friend.
Tell them how you feel, how much you have given up because of bulimia, how close you have come to death from bulimia (passing out in the pool!) They need to know how it is affecting you. You can even give them this website to help them gain a better understanding of bulimia.
I remember the first time I talked about my bulimia, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. A problem shared is a problem halved. The next thing I advise you do is start to keep a diary of your eating and emotions.
Do this vigilantly... Write down when your feeling sad, depressed, happy, excited, nervous and so on... Also try to figure out why you're feeling that way. Write down when you binge and try to figure out if those emotions seem to trigger it. You might need to dig deep for this.
You could even try to write a bulimia poem - I found this helped me to express my feelings when I was bulimic.
Feel free to share any eating disorder poems you write here.
Another thing that I found really helped me when I was bulimic was this:Try, just as you start to binge... To stop. Think... why I am doing this, dig deep... am I sad, lonely, depressed? Write it down in your diary... and then if you want, you can continue your binge.
It's really about observation at first. Once you have observed, you will begin to understand your bulimia a bit more...
Understanding is an important step in bulimia recovery.
My final piece of advice to you is to see a therapist who specializes in eating disorders.
I understand how hard this can be!I was SO nervous the first time I went to see my therapist
... I actually felt like I was going to throw up from nerves! But... It was the best thing I ever did.
Having somebody who doesn't know you - who won't judge you - who has seen hundreds of people like you before... is priceless.
If it's the cost that is putting you off - think about how much money you will save in the long run! I know I was throwing up $20,000+ a year!! A therapist will cost a fraction of that.
You may even have a state funded therapist in Ohio, although I'm not sure how the medical system works over there.
Jessica, I hope that this helps you. Please keep me posted on how you go... My heart aches for you as I know what you're going through... It's difficult... But recovery is real - and it is amazing!
All the best girl. Feel free to write on my site whenever you want - I will always reply.
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