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Taking the first step...and looking for pan-pal!

by M-S

Dear Shaye and dear community,

I'm a girl from Germany who needs to share her story to take the first step towards recovery. I'm really sorry for my english, but there are no german sides on the internet that are like yours. I can't tell my parents or friends about my bulimia yet and so the burden gets heavier every time I fail my recovery efforts.
I'm a naturally happy person with a big heart, I care about my family and friends, I have the most wonderful boyfriend and I love my sport: gymnastics. I know that I am too ambitious and a perfectionist and when I am alone I find it really hard to just relax and when I do it I get a bad conscience. I used to be happy with myself when I am alone, but after my relationship with a depressed man and since my appartment burned down 9 months ago(not by my fault) and aince I decided to drop out of University to study something else I feel like all of this was too much for me. I don't know how to explain this:
Since I am that naturally happy person who enjoys herself, people often oversee that even if I am in a good mood I have problems aswell. My father died in a car accident when I was 8 and handelling emotional stress was something I was good at. Not anymore. I don't know when it began, I think 1 year ago right after the fire, I started to eat until I was sick and then throw all the food up again. First of all I needed to feel sick, I needed to feel all the bad emotions trough my hurting stomach and after I trew up I felt relieved and I finally could cry. I don't do it every day (sometimes I can get through one or two weeks without it, usually I feel the urge to puke 2 times a week) and I don't throw up several times, only when I feel really helpless like today- I threw up 4 times this evening. And I feel so helpless because I can't identify the "bulimia me" with the "me me :)". I am a gymnast and I am good at it, I bake and I kook and everybody loves my food, I enjoy life for christs sake, I need energy (I don't know if you say so in english but it sounds really good haha)! And every now and then I become this person who gets out of control, who needs food EN MASSE and NOW and who needs to throw it up again so I can cry and feel good about myself again. But the feeling passes, after the puking I feel so ashamed and so bad, I don't recognize myseld. I don't have problems with food and eating when I am with friends, but when I'm home alone I feel the sudden urge to solve the lonelines or my problems or my bad mood with bulimia. I want to be healthy to enjoy this wonderful life of mine. I want to have my emotional strength back soooo bad but right know I feel little, ugly, helpless and so weak! I don't want to think about food everytime I get into a stressful situation and I want to ba happy and RELAXED when I am alone at home!
I need someone to talk to when I feel this way, if someone wants to be my pan-pal just write to this address:

I will understand everything you write but I can't promice to write back in perfect english, sorry for that :)

I want to try some of your recovery tips such as structured eating, what should I do when I have this sudden urge to eat a lot of food. What can I do to pass those bad feelings and feel good about myself in a different and normal way?

It is the first time that I tell anyone about my bulimia and it is like you say: I don't have the feeling to have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Thank you for that from Leipzig!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program