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stuggles

by Enne
(indianapolis)

When did I lose "control" ?
I refused, I caved, I was guilty.
My cycles got me in a bind.
Still looking in the mirror. Still hating what I see.
How far far will I go?
Until I'm beautifully skinny and dead in the ground.
Keep going. Why stop?
I'll only hate myself more, loath myself more, despise myself more.
If I just quit everything will get worse.
HELP! I need help!!
Fuck that, Attention seeker I can hear it now.
Echos threw my brain.
Can't confess my shame.
No one would care anyways
If they do, why be selfish and make them worry?
I candle it on my own!
Why do I have to keep repeating it, to believe it myself?
Ana, Mia.......I thought you helped me.
Where are you now? Why didn't I notice the noose around my neck?
Had you put it there?
Compulsion. Can you have OCD about weight?
Or is it a mere obsession?
Ticktock........ticktock!
I'm losing me!
Where am I ?
Empty growing. Empties good.
Flowing threw my veins.
Snap! Snap! Snap! STOP THINKING! No craving!
Mind fluctuates from need to need, young but decrepit.
Sub-merge in water, I'll just sweat it all away.
The guilt, the hate, the hunger, the pain.
My eyes leak like every time I'm alone.
They will NEVER UNDERSTAND!
My problem? Neither will I .
Afraid, afraid because I know what happens next....

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program