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by Enne

When did I lose "control" ?
I refused, I caved, I was guilty.
My cycles got me in a bind.
Still looking in the mirror. Still hating what I see.
How far far will I go?
Until I'm beautifully skinny and dead in the ground.
Keep going. Why stop?
I'll only hate myself more, loath myself more, despise myself more.
If I just quit everything will get worse.
HELP! I need help!!
Fuck that, Attention seeker I can hear it now.
Echos threw my brain.
Can't confess my shame.
No one would care anyways
If they do, why be selfish and make them worry?
I candle it on my own!
Why do I have to keep repeating it, to believe it myself?
Ana, Mia.......I thought you helped me.
Where are you now? Why didn't I notice the noose around my neck?
Had you put it there?
Compulsion. Can you have OCD about weight?
Or is it a mere obsession?
I'm losing me!
Where am I ?
Empty growing. Empties good.
Flowing threw my veins.
Snap! Snap! Snap! STOP THINKING! No craving!
Mind fluctuates from need to need, young but decrepit.
Sub-merge in water, I'll just sweat it all away.
The guilt, the hate, the hunger, the pain.
My eyes leak like every time I'm alone.
My problem? Neither will I .
Afraid, afraid because I know what happens next....

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program