I have an eating disorder. It's a simple statement, but it took my years to be able to admit. I didn't start out with bulimia. I'm a walking statistic for eating disorders. Not only am I part of the 50 percent of anorexics that develop bulimia, but I'm genetically predisposed, and I've had emotional trauma.
I suppose this all started one summer that my mom got into a bad bike accident. The accident itself wasn't that bad, but it knocked her into a deep depression that left her locked away in her room. I was 13, I was bored, and I felt alone. So I didn't eat. All of my thoughts became focused on my goal "just imagine what people will say when you go back to school...etc." I was never heavy to begin with. In fact, even before I developed my eating disorder people would comment on my thin stature.
Things have changed from that summer though. I no longer starve myself. I eat everything. I eat everything, and block out from my mind all the emotions that I want to avoid. I forget it all, and then I erase it all. It's like I never even ate the food.
I feel so alone. Even typing this I'm alone. I told my boyfriend about my disease and he told me he'd love me no matter what. Why is he so nice to me? I don't deserve him.
I need to get better. I'm afraid of what I'm doing to my body. What if I die? I know I could. I don't want my life to be defined by this eating disorder. I need to get rid of my irrational fear of gaining weight. I need to get rid of my irrational fear of eating larger portions. You want to know what started my binge spree today? I ate more carrots then I felt comfortable with. I'm despicable. I ate everything in my kitchen. I'm disgusting. I'm afraid for my teeth. somebody out there...will this ever end? can I ever be strong enough to beat this?
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