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Struggling with Recovery

(Pittsburgh, PA)

I became bulimic at 17 (6 years ago). I went through phases of binging and purging throughout the years, some worse than others.

Driving was a time I often found convenient to vomit, as well as when no one was home at my house. My dad discovered that I was bulimic about 2 months ago, when he found a water bottle in my car that I forgot to throw out, filled up with vomit. I began therapy immediately.

It's been 7 weeks since the last time I've purged. However I still have occasions (at least 2x/week) when I binge, and I am beginning to feel disgusted with myself. I don't understand why sometimes I can't control how much I put in my mouth.

The hardest thing for me has not been stopping the purging. After becoming aware of the physical harm it can do, it was easier to stop. What I've been struggling with is the way I feel about myself and my body. I can't seem to stop obsessing over the fact that I am slightly overweight. But I keep eating unhealthily anyway! I am addicted to the comfort that food gives me.
At this point I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to obsess too much, in fear that I'll purge again. But I don't want to just eat whatever I want, in fear of gaining weight.

I don't know how to accept the way I look when I don't like the way I look. And I can't seem to get out of my horrible eating habits. I just want to think like a normal healthy eater.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program