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Struggling at the beginning of the end

by Kt

I have struggled with a combination of bulimia and anorexia since I was 14 years old. I'm now 33 years old and cannot remember the last time I had even a single day in which I did not stick my head in the toilet to throw up. Even a single "normal" meal or a restricting fat-free salad only meal would send me into panic mode and leave me running to the bathroom to relieve the physical and mental pain of food sitting in my stomach. This was also accompanied by very frequent occurrences of binging on massive amounts of food, which of course also lead to multiple trips to the porcelain god. These binges have gone up and down, but often involve up to 4 hours of continuous binging and purging on foods I would never consider eating normally. My life has been consumed by this disease, which has ruined my marriage, my job and everything that makes me who I am and what it means to live a real life.

I don't want to delve into the specifics of my disease at this moment. What I need to get out right now is the struggle I am going through today at this very moment, because I need an outlet and if I don't get this out I'm going to end up back in the bathroom. For the first time in 15 years, I have gone more than 1 day without purging. Even spending a month as an inpatient in a mental hospital for my eating disorder didn't prevent me from finding the loose drain or accidental unlocked bathroom of other patients in which to purge my meals. I have spent years in therapy and lied my way through therapy, pretending I was getting better and even close to being cured. It was all a farce, I never had any intention of letting go of my dirty little secret. Somehow, in the last week I have put my foot down and have come to the point where I feel I may have a chance of beating this. Today is the eighth day I have gone without binging or purging!! I cannot believe it, I never thought it would be possible to go even a day without being plagued with this disease, and I have made it 8 days. It may not sound like much to other people, but for me this is a milestone that beats out even the day I received my PhD. My problem at this moment is that I just finished dinner with my family at a mexican restaurant and the fullness of my stomach and the ED voices in my head are screaming at me to run to the bathroom right this very moment to rid myself of these tormenting feelings and thought that are overwhelming me. This is killing me inside, but I really really want to get through this and end the prison I have been living in. I'm trying to be strong and hope getting this out will help me to get through this. It's been 8 days!! I can't let go of that. I need an outlet to share this and help me get through this, which is why I write this post. Unfortunately, as much as I want to run over to my mom sitting across the room from me and curl up in her lap and share this milestone with her, I just can't get myself to do it. I am so embarrassed and disgusted with myself that I just can't let any one in on the disease that has plagued me for 20 years. Hopefully, I can some day share the real truth for her.

But for now, I am putting all I have into fighting this. 8 days and counting... I'll keep you updated.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program