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Still struggling

Hi I dont really know how to start this because I kinda dont wanna say my name or where I'm from so I guess I'll start like this.
I am currently still struggling with Bulimia,Mild Depression and Anxiety. Im 15 years old and have only been purging my food since the age of 14. So its been about a year. But that doesnt mean I havent been binging for much more time before that. So heres my story from the beginning.


Im not gonna lie I always, always, always loved food. I turned to food in my time of loneliness, happiness and sadness. It was always there for me and I felt it wouldn't reject me or say mean things to me and maybe that why I like it so much. I never really cared how I looked until I reached the sixth grade and My family started calling me things like "Chubby" and "Extra Meat". This is when I started losing a ton of self confidence and I felt that everyone hated me and that everyone looked at me in a disgusting way. I felt that people were watching the amount I ate. But the sad thing was I was the average weight and height of a regular 12 year old.
At the end of the year I started fasting and eating calories under the amount of X. And in a week I lost X pounds. I was so happy. I remember thinking " Now I can eat everything I want and not feel fat," But I was wrong I gained all the weight back in two weeks. I then started fasting in the summer and lost around X pounds but started to feel tired and weak just by the first few days.
I soon realized fasting wasnt my thing so I tried to only eat fruit and vegetables. But that didnt work either. I tried gluten free, vegetarian, and any other diet I could think of. But I always gave in to food. I always went to the pantry out of boredom and ate. So instead of losing weight in the summer I gained weight and thats when puberty happened so I happened to grow taller as well.

So I gave up trying to lose weight. And went back to what I called regular eating. But it defiantly was not a regular eating pattern of a 12-14 year old child. I was binging. I ate until I felt very ill. And sometimes I would throw up from the amount of food I ate but not on force. In those two years I gained X pounds and in Eighth grade I weighed in at about X pounds at 5"3. Which is considered overweight. I didnt care as long as I had food.

But then the fat comments came back. And I hated them. I hated them so badly. The worst thing was none of the kids at my school were calling me fat only my father, siblings and grandparents. My mother never had the guts to call me fat in front of my face but I have heard her say that "She had A stomach before,"

I felt disgusting and hideous.I felt like I took up so much space. I felt like people had to walk around me to be able to pass. It made me feel like something wild. Thats when the purging began. In April of 2012. I always knew about throwing up food because we had discussed it many times in school.I remember the first day I threw up my food. I remember locking my self in the bathroom until all the food I ate would come out.

I was thrilled when I found out that this could work.I ate all the things I loved and then threw them up. But I had to do this in secret. I live in a family of 10 people so I tried to wake up very early or do this very late at night. When people started commenting on how I was losing weight I told them I started a healthy lifestyle/diet. I told my parents I was going on a diet and that I wouldn't eat any meat or junk or anything high in fat. They believed me. They thought I was doing a healthy weight loss program. I purged up to 7 times a day. On one day in August I spit out blood but I ignored it.

The school year had already started and I was starting a new high school with one of my closest friends. All my new friends always called me pretty and said "You have such a nice figure," I didnt realize I had lost X pounds just from binging and purging. Until one day my friend from my old school told me That I look so much better from before and she asked my how I did it. I told her that I was throwing up my food. I didnt know it was such A bad thing. I thought everybody did it. My friend was in shock and told me to tell the school counselor.

For two months I tried to decide whether or not I should get help. I thought I was fine. I felt fine. I didnt feel any physical pain. So I thought I was ok. That week I spit up blood again. And after that I went straight to the counselor and cried for 2 hours telling her the story of my bulimia.I told her I was still purging and that I felt fine. She told me I had to tell my mother or else she would.

That night I told my mom. She was really angry at me and I didnt understand why. She got me a professorial therapist right away.I wasnt ready for this I didnt think I was sick. In december I got a weekly therapist I had to see.

As the months went on I had gotten worse. I lost up to X more pounds but I wasnt just purging. I would starve myself at school than purge anything I ate at home. I once didnt eat for 3 days straight. I was getting so dizzy I could hardly walk. I cut out all dairy, meat and processed foods from my diet unless it was a binge.
I couldnt think straight. I couldnt brush my teeth without my gums bleeding. And it was the most annoying thing.

I thought I was going to die my body didnt know how to respond to this. I would wake up randomly in the middle of the night and feel my heart beat really fast. My period stopped for 2 months. I was so scared.

When my therapist told my mother this the next week she had a psychiatrist and a doctors appointment all ready for me. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bulimia and Mild depression. When he asked me to step on the scale I started to cry. I was devastated with the fact that a man had to see how fat I was. I weighed at X and was hysterically crying. I had gained weight.

When I went to the doctors a week later I weighed in at X (my height is now 5"4). I was so confused at how my weight plummeted so fast. I was still feeling ill. My head hurt and I couldn't focus.

I told my therapist I was gonna try really hard to recover and I lied. It became worse. I would eat more but I would throw up all of my lunch in school. To my counslers I was just getting worse.

Currently I dont know what to do. I feel lost sometimes and confused. I want to recover and eat normally but the fear of getting fat is too strong. I hated myself before but I am starting to learn to love myself. Im starting to realize that I dont want this eating disorder to define me as a person. I want to be me. Not the eating disorder. I've been bulimia free for 2 days now.I know its not amazing but Hopefully It will get better.


Thank you for reading :)



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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program